JAZZ COFFEE

2009-08-25T16:50:00.000-07:00

YOUR ONE STOP FOR ALL THINGS VINYL.
IF I DON'T HAVE IT,I CAN GET IT !
CONTACT ME ANYTIME ABOUT MY LIST OF RECORDS.

ANYONE WHO UNDERSTANDS JAZZ KNOWS
THAT YOU CAN'T UNDERSTAND IT.
IT'S TOO COMPLICATED. THAT'S
WHAT'S SO SIMPLE ABOUT IT..M.L.B

KENNY G WALKS INTO AN ELEVATOR AND SAYS
"MAN , THIS PLACE IS HAPPENING !''

PLAY NAME THAT TUNE
SCROLL DOWN FOR DETAILS
DRINK COFFEE!
DO STUPID THINGS FASTER
"WITH MORE ENERGY''

More music @
http://www.recordcity.blogspot.com/
http://www.albums.blogspot.com/
http://www.recordrecords.blogspot.com/
http://www.rockalbums.blogspot.com/
http://www.sweetsoulmusic.blogspot.com/
http://www.jazzcentral.blogspot.com/

NAME THAT TUNE
Win a 45 record at http://www.45records.blogspot.com/
KEEP ROCKIN' AN KEEP KNOCKIN'
WHETHER YOU LOUIS VUITTON IT UP
OR REEBOKIN.

I NEVER THOUGHT I'D BE IN LOVE LIKE THIS
WHEN I LOOK AT YOU MY MIND GOES ON A TRIP
THEN YOU CAME IN,AND KNOCKED ME ON MY FACE
FEELS LIKE I'M IN A RACE
BUT ALREADY WON FIRST PLACE...
GOOD LUCK!

EMAIL ANSWER @ mdzpp@aol.com
LAST WEEKS WINNER...
ANSWER-THE AIR THAT I BREATHE-THE HOLLIES
WINNER-DALE RICHARDSON-OJAI,CALIF.
winner must wait 30 days to play again.
***********************************
WANNA BE ON TOP, WANNA PLAY WITH ME?
SCROLL DOWN AND PLAY AT STACY'S
TRIVIA, IT SHARPENS YOUR MIND AND IT'S FUN!

STOCK MARKET/COMMODITIES
WHAT'S UP OR WHAT'S DOWN.
www.advfn.com/?adw=70028&kwe=stock_quotes

GOLD PRICES
( for those of us that have bling)
www.monex.com/monex/controller?pageid=prices

HOW RECESSIONS WORK
www.howstuffworks.com/recession.htm

PERSONALITY TEST...YOUR SECRET SELF
www.rumandmonkey.com/widgets/toys/testgen/6223/

HOW LONG DOES IT TAKE FOR YOUR WEBSITE TO LOAD?
www.numion.com/stopwatch/

THIS IS AWESOME!
TRACK THIS GUY,HE PLANS
TO SAIL THE WORLD SOLO,AND
HE'S ONLY 16. GOOD LUCK ZAC!
HIS BLOG www.zacsunderland.com/blog/
http://www.zacsunderland.com/

WHAT FAMOUS LEADER ARE YOU?
TAKE THE TEST.
http://similarminds.com/othertests.html

ESCAPE
THE U.S. AIR FORCE USES THIS
TO HELP FIGHTER PILOTS.
THEY ARE EXPECTED TO LAST AT
LEAST 2 MINUTES.THIS GAME WILL
HELP YOU TO APPRECIATE THE VALUE
OF A FRACTION OF A SECOND.
www.probabilityof.com/escape.shtml

****************************
YOUR DAILY HOROSCOPE
www.dailyhoroscopes.com/

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www.webmd.com/
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LOCATION:POMONA CALIF.
MICHELE L. BEEKS

2009-08-14T17:50:00.000-07:00

RECUPERATION...

I THINK I'M PASSING A KIDNEY STONE,
IT'S BEEN EXCRUCIATING PAIN.I HAVEN'T HAD
ANY APPETITE FOR 3 WEEKS,AND SELF
MEDICATING MYSELF.
I'LL WRITE ABOUT IT IN THE FUTURE,IF I LIVE,
FOR NOW IT'S TIME TO LAY DOWN.

THANK YOU FOR ALL THE KIND EMAILS,
THEY ARE TRUELY APPRECIATED.:)

2009-07-31T12:50:00.000-07:00

HOUSTON,WE HAVE A PROBLEM...

2009-07-14T20:15:00.000-07:00

ROCK & ROLL HEAVEN...
MIKE-WOW THIS IS BETTER THAN NEVERLAND.
MARVIN GAYE-WHAT'S GOING ON?
MIKE- I DON'T KNOW THE LAST THING I
REMEMBER WAS MY DOCTOR INJECTING
ME WITH SOMETHING.

MARVIN- YEA THE LAST THING I REMEMEBER
WAS MY DADDY AIMING A GUN AT ME. I LOOKED
AT MOM SHE LOOKED AT ME WITH THAT LOOK
IN HER EYES,LIKE YOU DONE F##KED UP NOW!

ELVIS-THE LAST THING I REMEMBER, I WAS
SITTING ON THE TOILET EATING A BANANA
BACON SANDWICH. LISA MARIE WANTED SOME SO
I HID IN THE BATHROOM,I WASN'T ABOUT
TO SHARE IT.

OTIS REDDING -LAST THING I REMEMBER WAS
SITTING ON THE DOCK OF THE BAY.

MAMA CASS- I WAS SITTING IN BED EATING A
HAM SANDWICH,WHEN I CHOKED ON A PICKLE.
GOT DAMNIT! I SHOULD HAVE ORDERED TUNA.

SAM COOKE- I WENT TO MEET THIS HOTTIE AT THIS
HOTEL NEAR DOWNTOWN L.A. I GOT SHOT TO DEATH,
AND SHE DIDN'T EVEN HAVE BIG BOOBS! IF I COULD
TURN BACK THE HANDS OF TIME.

KIRK COBAIN- I MARRIED COURTNEY LOVE...NUFF SAID!

2009-07-06T15:20:00.000-07:00

GOOGLE SUCKS!

FOR THOSE OF YOU THAT CAN'T SEE
MY GOOGLE GAGETS AT THE END OF
THE PAGE, REFRESH THE PAGE.

GOOGLE APPARENTLY BROKE SOMETHING
WHEN THEY WERE TRYING TO DO SOMETHING
NEW. CAN'T YOU LEAVE WELL ENOUGH ALONE,
DAMN SERGIO! HAVEN'T YOU HEARD IF IT
AIN'T BROKE DON'T FIX IT, AND YOU CALL
YOURSELF A GENUIS?

2009-07-02T15:30:00.000-07:00

THE DOCTORS:

THERE'S THIS NEW SHOW CALLED
THE DOCTORS ON TELEVISION.
I WANT TO ASK THE DOCTORS
SOME QUESTIONS BUT I'M SKEERED
OF THEIR ANSWERS.
1. WHY WHEN YOU PEE,EMPTY YOUR BLADDER
YOU SIT THERE LISTENING TO A JAM ON THE
RADIO AND A MINUTE GOES BY AND YOU'RE
PISSING AGAIN? MAYBE IT'S JUST ME.

2.WHY IS IT I STAY HOT ALL THE TIME?
THAT'S WHAT I GET FOR BRAGGING HOW
HOT I AM...NOW IT'S ACTUALLY HAPPENED.;(

3.WHY WHEN YOU STOP SMOKING, SOMETHING
HAPPENS, TO MAKE YOU START BACK?
YOU KNOW, LIKE ALMOST RUNNING OVER A PUPPY.

4.WHY AM I SCARED OF FUNERALS?
I KNOW THE ANSWER TO THAT, WHEN I
WAS A KID MY SISTER INTRODUCED ME TO
THE CONCEPT OF DEATH. HER BEST FRIEND
SHIRLEY DIED AND SHE MADE ME GO TO
THE FUNERAL HOME WITH HER TO VIEW THE BODY.
THERE WAS SHIRLEY IN HER MOO MOO DEAD, SHE
WAS A GOOD LOOKING WOMAN.
I DON'T CARE IF NO ONE SHOWS UP AT MY FUNERAL
WHAT AM I GOING TO DO,RISE UP AND SAY WHERE
IN THE HELL IS EVERYBODY AT?I'M NOT GOING TO
MY OWN FUNERAL AND NO ONE CAN MAKE ME..NANANANANA!

5.WHY DO I WAKE UP IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT
WITH DRY MOUTH?
WHAT,HAVE I REACHED THE AGE THAT I HAVE
TO BE CONSTANTLY LUBRICATED?

2009-06-25T20:05:00.000-07:00

BYE MIKE...

I GREW UP WITH YOU,I WANT YOU BACK,
ABC,THE LOVE YOU SAVE,I'LL BE THERE,
BEN ONLY YOU COULD SING A LOVE SONG
ABOUT A RAT. MY FAVORITE SONG WAS
WHO'S LOVING YOU.I MET ONE JACKSON
IN MY LIFE AND THAT WAS TITO IN
DOWNTOWN L.A. WITH HIS WIFE.IN HIGH
SCHOOL I USE TO LIE AND SAY THEY WERE
MY COUSINS AND SMOKEY ROBINSON WAS
MY UNCLE.HEY! I WAS SKINNY AND HAD
ACNE, I NEEDED AN EDGE TO GET SOME.;)

SAM COOKE,JACKIE WILSON, MARVIN GAYE,
BARRY WHITE, TUPAC, LUTHER, AALIYAH
RAY CHARLES SO MANY.REST IN PEACE MIKE YOU WERE
LOVED.THERE IS A ROCK N' ROLL HEAVEN THE RIGHTEOUS
BROTHERS SUNG ABOUT IT.:)

2009-06-22T15:24:00.000-07:00

DEVIL OR ANGEL?

LAST WEEK I FOUND A WALLET FULL
OF CASH,CREDIT CARDS,ID'S ETC, IN
MY BANKS PARKING LOT.
I WAS ON MY WAY TO THE SUPERMARKET,
AND I WAS THINKING,I'M GOING TO GET
ME SOME OF THOSE $14.00 CRAB LEGS.
MY VERY OWN STIMULUS PACKAGE,
LUCKEY ME!:)

WHENEVER I HEAR ON THE NEWS OF PEOPLE
FINDING MONEY AND TURNING IT IN, I WOULD
SAY "THEY'RE STUPID".
I GREW UP AS A KID WITH THE FINDERS KEEPERS
LOUSER WEEPERS MENTALITY.
IF YOU FOUND MONEY IT'S YOURS,IT WAS MEANT
TO BE.

I WAS GOING TO KEEP THE MONEY AND PUT THE
WALLET AND IT'S CONTENTS IN A MAIL BOX.
A DEVIL WAS ON ONE SHOULDER THE ANGEL
WAS ON THE OTHER.
THE DEVIL WAS TELLING ME, KEEP IT.
THE ANGEL WAS TELLING ME,THAT IT WOULD BE WRONG.
I STARTED TO LOOK THROUGH THE WALLET AND
CAME UPON THEIR DRIVERS LICENSE,AND SAW THEIR
FACE. SHE WAS A SENIOR,WHITE, AND DISABLED.

GUESS WHAT I DID? WHERE SHE LIVED WASN'T
FAR AWAY SO I DECIDED TO,DRUMROLL... TAKE
IT TO HER MYSELF.
WHEN I ARRIVED AT HER HOUSE,SHE TOOK FOREVER
TO ANSWER THE DOOR.
SHE SAID MAY I HELP YOU, I SAID NO BUT I CAN HELP
YOU AND PULLED OUT HER WALLET.

SHE TOOK THE WALLET AND LOOKED THROUGH IT
AND STARTED TO CRY, I GUESS IT WAS TEARS OF JOY.
SHE INVITED ME IN AND ASKED ME IF I WANTED SOME
TEA. I TOLD HER NO,MAYBE SOME WINE,BEER, OR
MOONSHINE BUT THAT TEA STUFF WILL KILL YOU.
SHE STARTED CRACKING UP,I WAS NOT ONLY A HERO,
I MADE HER LAUGH.
I TOLD HER I HAD TO BE GOING, SHE SAID LET
ME GIVE YOU SOMETHING AND TOOK $20.00 OUT
OF THE WALLET. I TOLD HER NO SHE DIDN'T
NEED TO GIVE ME ANYTHING,SHE SAID HOW
LUCKEY SHE WAS FOR A PERSON LIKE ME TO
HAVE FOUND HER WALLET.

I FELT SPECIAL INSIDE, THE REST OF THE DAY,
WELL I FEEL SPECIAL EVERYDAY,BUT REALLY
THAT DAY.
SO WHAT'S THE SCORE?
DEVIL O ANGEL 1
I LOVE MYSELF SO MUCH!:)

2009-06-14T15:40:00.000-07:00

I'VE BEEN SCREWED...AND NOT IN A GOOD WAY.

JUST THE OTHER DAY I WAS GOOGLING MYSELF
AND WAS DAZED AND CONFUSED.
I WROTE A B SIDE RECORD BACK IN THE DAY,
IT CHARTED ON BILLBOARD.
THE A SIDE WAS SUPPOSE TO BE THE HIT SIDE
TO CARRY IT UP THE CHARTS. I THINK IT WAS
ON THE R&B CHARTS FOR 3 WEEKS.

I WAS EXCITED WHEN OUR PRODUCER SAID
IT WAS DOING WELL IN TEXAS. I WAS SIGNED
TO BE A LYRICIST,AT A RELATIVELY YOUNG AGE,
AND WAS A MEMBER OF ASCAP.
I DIDN'T MAKE ANY BIG MONEY FROM THAT
ENDEAVOR,I DID HAVE A BIG EGO FOR A MINUTE THOUGH.
UNTIL WRITERS BLOCK CAME FOR A VISIT AND NEVER LEFT.:(

ANYWAY ,I GOOGLED MYSELF AND A WEBSITE
LISTED MY NAME AND MY CO-WRITER.
IN THE CATAGORIES MY SONG WAS LISTED
AS BEING IN A MOTION PICTURE...WTF?
I'VE TRYING TO FIND THE MOVIE, ALL I KNOW
IS, I DIDN'T GET PAID.I WAS RIPPED OFF BY
THE MAN! OH WELL,I HOPE IT'S IN A GREAT
MOVIE AND NOT A SUCK HOLE B-MOVIE. I WILL
NOT REST UNTIL I FIND THE MOVIE,I NEED TO
FIND SOMEBODY TO SUE THE S##t OUT OF.
BABYGIRL NEEDS NEW SHOES!:)

2009-06-08T17:57:00.000-07:00

MY FUNNY BROWNIES...

I MADE SOME ENHANCED BROWNIES
THE OTHER DAY. I USUALLY LEAVE
MUFFINS ON THE TABLE FOR MY MOM,THAT
SHE EATS WITH HER COFFEE IN THE MORNING.

I ACCIDENTALLY LEFT MY BROWNIES NEXT TO
HER MUFFINS, NEXT DAY IT WAS OBVIOUS
SHE ATE A BROWNIE.

WHAT TO DO, WHAT TO DO, WHAT TO DO?
ALL KIND OF THOUGHTS RAN THROUGH MY
HEAD. WILL SHE FLIP OUT? WILL SHE CALL
THE POLICE ON ME? WILL SHE EAT UP ALL
MY SNACKS? PLUS SHE WAS ACTING COOL
AND WANTED TO TRY ON MY SUNGLASSES.
WHAT KIND OF MONSTER DID I CREATE?

I MONITORED HER BEHAVIOR,
1. SHE HAD THE MUNCHIES BIG TIME, IT SEEMS
SHE WAS EATING EVERY 10 MINUTES.

2.SHE WAS NICE TO ME,AND THAT'S RARE.
I'M USUALLY THE RED HEADED DEVIL
STEP CHILD.:(

3.SHE STAYED IN THE BATHROOM LONGER
THAN USUAL,I HAVE THE RADIO ON IN THERE
I THINK SHE WASN'T GOING TO LEAVE UNTIL
LET'S GET IT ON WAS THROUGH.THEN SHE CAME
SWAGGING OUT...WHAT?

GAWD I HOPE SHE DOESN'T BECOME A JUNKIE
I AM NOT ABOUT TO SHARE MY SNACKS! TOUCH
MY RED VELVET CUPCAKES WITH CREAM CHEESE
ICING AND YOU'RE IN BIG TROUBLE OLD WOMAN!;)

2009-06-04T15:05:00.000-07:00

A PLEA TO PRESIDENT OBAMA...
I KNOW YOU HAVE A LOT ON YOUR PLATE
WARS,THE ECONOMY, HOW TO HOUSE TRAIN
BO, BUT THIS ISSUE NEEDS TO BE ADDRESSED.

I'VE POSTED ABOUT THIS BEFORE, YET IT'S
STILL A PROBLEM IN MY COMMUNITY.

I WAS RELAXING ON MY BALCONY ENJOYING
MY GARDEN,MOUNTAINS,THE TRAINS PASSING
BY, I'M TALKING PICTURE POSTCARD BEAUTY.

WHEN A CAR PULLS UP,AND THIS DUDE
GETS OUT BENDS OVER AND ALL OF A SUDDEN THERE'S
A WHITE ASS CRACK IN MY GARDEN OF EDEN.
JUST TOTALLY RUINED THE ATMOSPHERE.
WHY ARE PEOPLE SO DELUSIONAL TO THINK
THAT SOMEONE WANTS TO SEE THEIR ASS CRACK?
PULL UP YOUR F##KING PANTS...DICK HEAD!
OR IS IT GUYS WITH SMALL DICKS SHOWING
OFF THEIR ASS,FIGURING HEY I MAY HAVE A
SMALL PENIS BUT I GOT A GREAT ASS.

OBAMA I BEG OF YOU, MAKE IT A LAW THAT IF
SOMEONE SEE'S YOUR ASS CRACK IN PUBLIC
YOU HAVE TO PAY A FINE. MAYBE 500 DOLLARS,
FOR THE FIRST OFFENSE, 3 STRIKES YOU'RE OFF TO PRISON.
WHERE BIG BUBBA WILL LOVE YOUR EXPOSE BUTT CRACK,
OH BOY, HOW HE WILL LOVE IT!

2009-05-31T15:05:00.000-07:00

I'M LOOKING FOR TROUBLE!

DAMN IT ALL! LAST WEEK I WAS DRINKING
A LITTLE WINE AND ORDERING ON EBAY.
SINCE I HAVE A GARDEN NOW, I'M INTERESTED
IN GROWING STUFF.

I ORDERED 10,000 RED POPPY SEEDS, THEN FORGOT
AND ORDERED 10,000 MORE.NOW I HAVE 20,000
POPPY SEEDS.
WHAT AM I ,AFGHANISTAN?

I DON'T KNOW HOW THIS GOT OUT OF HAND,
I JUST WANTED SOME POPPY TEA...GEEZ!

2009-05-27T15:50:00.000-07:00

A RACIST WHO ME?

I WOKE UP TO THE NEWS THAT OBAMA
HAD SELECTED A LATINA FOR THE SUPREME
COURT.AT FIRST I STARTED GASPING FOR
AIR THEN I HAD THESE HEART PALPITATIONS.
A MEXICAN ON THE SUPREME COURT?

WHAT? DID LUPE MARIA TORRES, FINALLY GET A BREAK?
DID SHE GO FROM FROM MAJORING
IN SURPRISED EYEBROW LOOKS
SCULPTURING TO THE SUPREME COURT?
I WAS IN A PANIC, THEN I HEARD THESE SOOTHING
WORDS...SHE'S A PUERTO RICAN,AND HER CREDIENTIALS
ARE IMPECCABLE
I EXHALED, I LIKE RICAN'S ALSO AFFECTIONALLY
KNOWN AS "PORK CHOPS". PLUS MY DADDY
WAS IN A BLACK PUERTO RICAN ARMY UNIT.
EVEN THOUGH YOU VOTED FOR HILLARY
I FORGIVE YOU...YOU LITTLE PORK CHOPS...YOU.:)

2009-05-24T17:00:00.000-07:00

KIM KARDASHIAN & RAY J REVIEW...

I WANT TO START OUT SAYING I AM
NOT INTO PORN, WELL AT LEAST NOT
ANYMORE.:) YET THERE IS SOMETHING
ABOUT THIS MATCH UP THAT PEAKED
MY INTEREST.
I'VE NEVER REVIEWED A MOVIE BEFORE,
MORELESS A PORN FLICK.
WELL HERE GOES...

IT STARTS OUT WITH KIM PUTTING ON
MAKEUP AND RAY J TALKING ABOUT
HOW SHE'S GETTING READY FOR HER BIG SCENE.
THEY MADE THIS WITH THE INTENTION OF
MAKING IT PUBLIC,IT'S VERY PROFESSIONAL.

KIM WASTES NO TIME ATTACKING RAY J'S
BIG ORGAN, FOR A LITTLE DUDE HE'S HUNG
LIKE A HORSE. I SWEAR KIM CAN SUCK CHROME
OFF A BUMPER,LATER HE PAYS HER BACK WITH
SOME COLONEL ANGUS ACTION.
HE MADE HER SPILL HER WINE, MAYBE SHE WAS
FAKING I DON'T KNOW.

THE BANGING MY GAWD! EITHER KIM IS A
GREAT ACTRESS OR RAY J WAS DOING IT
AND DOING IT AND DOING IT WELL.
SHE SCREAMED,HARDER BABY,BUT HIS
PENIS KEPT SLIPPING OUT, PLUS HE
KEPT LOOKING IN THE CAMERA WHICH
WAS KIND OF CREEPY.

HE WARNS IN THE BEGINNING OF THE TAPE
THAT IF YOU INTEND TO MASTERBATE TO IT,
GO HARD.

I'VE SEEN A FEW CELEBRITY SEX TAPES,
THEY JUST SEEM TO FALL IN MY HANDS.:)

PAMELA & TOMMY
JAYNE KENNEDY &LEON
RICHARD SIMMONS & RUE PAUL
I'M STILL HAVING NIGHTMARES OVER THAT.:(

ANYWAY I GIVE THE KIM & RAY J DVD 2 THUMBS UP.
WHILE I WAS WATCHING IT, SOMETHING MOVED...;)

2009-05-17T14:48:00.000-07:00

BLACKS VERSES MEXICANS?

THERE'S THIS FORUM ON THE
INTERNET WHERE BLACKS AND
MEXICANS ARGUE ABOUT WHOSE BETTER.
LIKE IT'S ANY COMPETITION THERE,
I'VE STATED BEFORE UNTIL I SEE JUAN
ON JEOPARDY... SO SIT DOWN AND PUT
A COLD TOWEL ON YOUR FACE.

I WROTE SOMETHING THAT PISSED OFF
SOMEONE IN TEXAS, THEY WROTE BACK
AND TOLD ME TO GO F##K MYSELF.
FINALLY SOMEONE IS INTERESTED IN
MY WELFARE.
I THINK I'LL TAKE YOU UP ON THAT,
AS SOON AS MY KIM KARDASHIAN & RAY J
DVD COMES. IT'S GOING TO BE ON LIKE
DONKEY KONG ALL NIGHT LONG.

I LIVE THROUGH OTHERS, IT'S MY ONLY FAULT...

2009-05-12T15:28:00.000-07:00

MY ALMOST LIFE AS A SUPERMODEL...

IN THE 70'S I WAS APPROACHED BY A WOMAN
IN A BOYS MARKET,SHE GAVE ME HER
CARD AND TOLD ME TO CALL.MY 12 YEAR OLD NEPHEW
TONY WAS WITH ME,IN REDONDO BEACH.
MY ONLY WITNESS, DIED IN A CAR ACCIDENT
IN THE 80'S.I MISS YOU TONY...

SHE ASKED IF I WAS INTERESTED IN MODELING,
I WAS TALL AND SKINNY BUT I HAD ACNE.
EVEN THOUGH SHE GAVE ME HER CARD,
I DIDN'T FEEL CONFIDENT ENOUGH TO
FOLLOW THAT DREAM.
I WAS SHY,AWKWARD,AND HAD SERIOUS
ISSUES.PLUS I WAS MORE INTERESTED
IN A WOMAN IN LINE THAT HAD A VERY
THICK MOUSTACHE.
I NEVER SEEN THAT BEFORE , I WAS GROWING
A LITTLE FUZZ ...NOW IN MY MIND I WAS TALL
AND SKINNY,HAD ACNE AND NOW I WAS
GROWING A MOUSTACHE.
THEN I HAVE SOME WOMAN OFFERING ME A MODELSHIP.
WHY WAS SHE TORMENTING ME?IN MY MIND...
WAS I ON CANDID CAMERA?

ANYWAY, DAMN! THEY COULD HAVE SLAPPED SOME
MAKEUP & A WIG AND SHAVED MY ASS,I COULD HAVE
BEEN THE FIRST TYRA BANKS...

WHEN OPPORTUNITY KNOCKS YOU BETTER
BE READY,BECAUSE IT MAY NOT KNOCK AGAIN...

2009-05-09T18:53:00.000-07:00

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY TO
ALL THE WOMEN WHO KNOW
WHO THE BABY DADDY IS...

NOT YOU SKANKS WHO DON'T GIVE
A DAMN ABOUT YOUR KIDS,BUT THE
ALMIGHTY PENIS.

TO MY MOM: YOU KNOW I LOVE YOU,
BUT SOMETIMES I HAVE FANTANSIES
ABOUT THROWING YOU OFF THE TRAIN.
YOU KNOW WHAT BUTTONS TO PUSH
TO MAKE MY HEAD EXPLODE.

YOU'RE GOING TO LOVE YOUR MOTHERS
DAY GIFT, AND IF YOU DON'T I WILL.:)
LOUD 'N CLEAR, IT'S SAYS IT TURNS
ORDINARY HEARING INTO EXTRAORDINARY
HEARING.I CAN'T WAIT TO HEAR SOMEBODY
CALL ME OUT OF MY NAME.LIKE AN OH NO
MOMENT I KNOW THEY DIDN'T SAY THAT.

I'M GOING TO WALK UP TO THEM AND ASK
YOU GOT A PROBLEM?THEN PUNCH THEM
IN THE FACE.I WONDER HAS ANYONE
EVER WENT TO JAIL BECAUSE OF THIS DEVICE...

2009-05-05T19:20:00.000-07:00

IT'S MY TURN...

ME, MYSELF AND I WAS IN THE
BATHROOM AND I WAS THINKING
ABOUT THE LOTTERY.

IT'S MAGIC IN THE AIR, THE STARS
ARE ALIGNED. MY PALM STARTED
ITCHING AND ROD STEWART'S
"TONIGHT'S THE NIGHT CAME ON
THE RADIO.TALK ABOUT A SIGN!:)

WOW, THEY SAY MONEY CAN'T
BUY YOU HAPPINESS,BUT YOU CAN
PULL UP BESIDE HAPPINESS THAT'S
FOR DAMN SURE.I WILL REMAIN
HUMBLE WHEN I'M RICH.

Y'ALL STILL BE ABLE TO
CONTACT ME IF YOU GET DOWN
ON YOUR KNEES AND PRAY TO THE
LORD,PRAYERS DO GET ANSWERED.
DON'T GET DISCOURAGED WHEN YOU
KEEP GETTING DISCONNECTED, CAN
YOU HEAR ME NOW?:)

UPDATE:

WELL BABYGIRL WON, A BIG 20 BUCKS,
I CALLED IT. TOO BAD IT WASN'T A MILLION
I WAS PRACTICING TO BE A SNOOTY UPPITY
BITCH. I WAS READY TO LOOK DOWN ON POOR
PEOPLE, AND RUN OVER PEDESTRIANS IN MY
ROLLS ROYCE, I HAD SO MANY PLANS AND DREAMS.
WELL MAYBE NEXT TIME,KEEP HOPE ALIVE,RIGHT
JESSE...:)

2009-05-03T14:50:00.000-07:00

FARMER MICHELE HAS A FARM
E,I,E,I,O...
AND ON HER FARM SHE HAS...
BASIL
DILL
PEPPERS
TOMATOES
PARSLEY
GREEN ONIONS
CUCUMBERS
CARROTS
TURNIPS
ZUCCHINI
OKRA
SAGE
WATERMELON
POMEGRANATE TREE
AND SOMETHING I HOPE THE
HELICOPTERS DON'T SPOT...

IT'S VERY THERAPUTIC, TURN ON THE
RADIO, AND GET TO FARMING.
IF THINGS GET BAD, I'M GOING TO BE A
CARROTS,PARSLEY, TOMATOES, ZUCCHINI
WITH A PINCH OF BASIL AND A DASH OF
SAGE EATING MUTHA!
NOT TO MENTION THE CUCUMBER,TOMATO,
GREEN ONIONS, BASIL SALAD,BABYGIRL
HAS SKILLS.:)

FOR DESSERT WATERMELON/POMEGRANATE
SORBET ANTIOXIDANTS,LIVING LARGE BABY,
AS SPECIAL ED SAID"I GOT IT MADE"
I WILL SURVIVE HEY HEY!;)

2009-04-30T18:19:00.000-07:00

BUTT CRACKS...

IN THE LAST MONTH I HAVE SEEN TWO
WHITE BUTT CRACKS,AND THEY'RE ALWAYS
FAT BOYS. IT ISN'T A COOL LOOK ANYMORE
DICK HEADS. EVEN OBAMA ARE TELLING TEENS
TO PULL UP THEIR PANTS.

WE KNOW ABOUT PLUMMERS ASS CRACKS,
WELL THEY DO BEND PRETTY LOW...

I SWEAR THE NEXT TIME I SEE AN ASS CRACK
I'M GOING TO SCREAM "COVER THAT SHIT UP"
NOBODY WANTS TO SEE YOUR NASTY ASS,GAWD,
JEBUS, HOLY MOTHER OF SOLOMON'S SECOND COUSIN
UNCLE'S SISTER!

2009-04-27T17:41:00.000-07:00

TWITS...
WHAT'S UP WITH THIS TWITTER
BULLSHIT? I DON'T GET IT, ASKING
PEOPLE WHAT ARE THEY DOING?

GUESS WHAT, THERE'S A MAJORITY
THAT DOESN'T GIVE A DAMN...GEEZ!

IF YOU WERE TO BUG ME AND ASK ME
WHAT I WAS DOING EVERY MINUTE,
I WOULD HUNT YOU DOWN AND KILL YOU,
AND THROW YOUR COMPUTER IN A RIVER.

I CAN SEE LOVERS KEEPING UP WITH
EACH OTHER.
TEENAGERS HOOKING UP.
OLD LADIES FALLEN AND CAN'T GET UP,
BUT SHE CAN'T TWITTER CAUSE SHE'S
ON THE FLOOR.
HAS THE WORLD GONE NUTS?

BESIDES YOU DON'T WANT TO KNOW
WHAT I'M DOING EVERY MINUTE.
YOU WOULD BECOME A POTENTIAL
ACCESSORY TO...
OR BE IN A POSITION TO BLACKMAIL ME.
TALK ABOUT EVIDENCE...
ABOUT TWITTER...QUOTING WHITNEY HOUSTON,
"OH HELL TO THE NO"

2009-04-23T16:42:00.000-07:00

I KNOW IT'S ONLY ROCK & ROLL
BUT I LIKE IT...

I THOUGHT I WOULD LIST THE CONCERTS
I'VE BEEN TO, WHILE I STILL KINDA REMEMBER.:)

ROD STEWART: I WAS SO CLOSE THAT HIS SWEAT
TOUCHED ME, ESPECIALLY WHEN HE BELTED
OUT "HOT LEGS" I REMEMBER THIS CONCERT,
BECAUSE I WAS A NEWBIE AND DIDN'T REALIZE
THAT YOU HAVE TO BE STONED TO ENJOY ROCK & ROLL.

QUEEN: THIS SON OF A BITCH TOLD ME THESE TICKETS
WERE GREAT SEATS. QUEEN LOOK LIKE ANTS ON STAGE
THAT WAS THE FIRST AND LAST TIME I WAS RIPPED
OFF BY THE MAN.

AC/DC: I REMEMBER THIS CONCERT, I WAS SUPPOSE
TO MEET A HOTTIE THAT NIGHT. WHO I PROCEEDED
TO AVOID ALL NIGHT. HEAD BANGING ROCK&ROLL,DRUGS
AND HOTTIES,IT WAS JUST TOO MUCH! I GUESS I COULDN'T
HANDLE THE WHOLE SEX,DRUGS AND ROCK & ROLL THING,
BUT I GOT BETTER AT IT.:)

BRUCE SRINGSTEEN: THIS DUDE WON ME OVER WITH
DARKNESS AT THE EDGE OF TOWN ALBUM. I'VE BEEN TO 4
CONCERTS OF THE BOSS, I REMEMBER HIS CONCERTS
BECAUSE HE WOULD POINT THE MIKE TO THE AUDIENCE.
TO FINISH HIS SONGS.WE PASSED JOINTS AROUND, BUT
THAT WAS THE FOLLY OF YOUTH, WE REMEMBERED THE WORDS.
PROVE IT ALL NIGHT, BADLANDS, BORN TO RUN, BACKSTREETS,
FIRE AND HUNGRY HEART.
I ALSO BROKE UP A LONG REALATIONSHIP BECAUSE I
I WENT TO THE CONCERT WITH SOMEONE ELSE.:(

VAN HALEN: WITH DAVID LEE ROTH: IT WAS A TRIP TO
SEE ROTH STRUT ACROSS STAGE WITH A BOTTLE
OF JACK DANIELS IN HIS HAND. WHEN HE SUNG
JUMP IT WAS AMAZING HE DIDN'T BREAK HIS NECK.

FLEETWOOD MAC: I HAVE TO ADMIT I REALLY
LIKED STEVIE NICKS, NO NOT IN THAT WAY,
THE OTHER WAY.
ANYWAY I DON'T REMEMBER THEM SINGING MY
FAVORITE SONGS, LIKE RHIANNON& DREAMS.
I WOKE UP THE NEXT MORNING WEARING
MY MAC T-SHIRT.I WENT TO THE LAUNDRY
MAT WHERE MY MOM WAS.
A GIRL WALKED UP TO ME AND WAS SO
IMPRESSED THAT I HAD SEEN THE MAC,
THAT I THINK SHE WANTED TO TAKE ME
RIGHT IN FRONT OF THE DRYERS.
I FELT LIKE A ROCK STAR.:)

ROLLING STONES: I REMEMBER THIS CONCERT
BECAUSE I HAD A BROKEN TOE. IT WAS WALL TO
WALL PEOPLE AND OF COURSE MY TOE SUFFERED.
PRINCE WAS ON THE BILL, BUT HE WAS BOOED
OFF STAGE. I MISSED IT, BECAUSE I WAS IN THE
PARKING LOT PUKING MY GUTS OUT. PRINCE BLEW
UP BIG TIME A YEAR LATER. AN EARLIER CONCERT
CALLED "PEACE SUNDAY" FEATURED BOB DYLAN
AND A HOST OF OTHERS AT THE ROSE BOWL.

I REMEMBER BLACKS AND WHITES PASSING WINE
DOWN THE LINE. WE WERE DRINKING AFTER EACH
OTHER...BUT THAT WAS B.M. BEFORE MEXICANS.

PRINCE: I REMEMBER THIS CONCERT BECAUSE
I TOOK MY NIECE WITH ME, NOW THE PROUD
MOTHER OF 8 KIDS. THEY WANTED YOU TO WEAR
PURPLE WHICH I DID. I REMEMBER DURING PURPLE
RAIN WE WERE ALL HOLDING HANDS.
WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT ABOUT, AND WHAT WAS
PURPLE RAIN? TO THIS DAY I STILL DON'T KNOW.
THERE'S BEEN MANY MORE CONCERTS
THAT I JUST DON'T REMEMBER,BUT I HAVE
THE TICKET STUBS.
SO I KNOW I WAS THERE.

THE CARS..."MOVING IN STEREO" WAS HYPNOTIC...
THE POLICE, I REMEMBER"EVERY BREATH YOU TAKE"
THEN I MUST HAVE PASSED OUT BEFORE "DE DO DO DO,
DE DA DA DA...I DIDN'T LIKE THAT RECORD ANYWAY.
BOB DYLAN...I DON'T REMEMBER "LIKE A ROLLING STONE"
HE MUST HAVE SUNG IT.
STEVIE WONDER...NOPE DON'T HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT
STEVIE SUNG...I HOPE HE SUNG "LIVING FOR THE CITY"
THAT WAS MY JAM.
TOM PETTY...I REMEMBER TOM WITH NICKS SINGING
"STOP DRAGGING MY HEART AROUND...AND THAT'S IT.
SCORPIO...I GOT NOTHING!
OINGO BONGO...AGAIN NOTHING
ERICA BADU & COMMON...NOTHING
THERE'S MORE.

YOUNG PEOPLE PLEASE STAY AWAY FROM DRUGS
AND ALCOHOL. THE LAST THING YOU WANT IS TO
GO TO A LIL' WAYNE CONCERT AND FORGET THAT YOU
WENT, THEN AGAIN...

THIS HAS BEEN A PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT:

2009-04-19T15:35:00.000-07:00

WHAT A LOVELY SUNDAY AFTERNOON,
THE PERFECT TIME TO TALK ABOUT POOP...

THEY SAY WHEN YOU FLUSH YOUR TOILET
RESIDUE COMES UP, SO COVER YOUR TOOTHBRUSHES.
DO I HAVE TO THINK OF EVERYTHING?

FLUSH SIT THERE AND LET THE WATER HIT YOUR
ASS,WIPE IT OFF AND FLUSH AGAIN...NEVERMIND.
EVEN AFTER YOU WASH YOUR HANDS,
LET'S FACE IT, BY THE TIME YOU GET OUT THE
BATHROOM, YOU'RE AN E COLI CARRYING MUTHA!

YOU'RE TOUCHING THE TOILET HANDLE, THE FAUCETS,
THE DOOR KNOB AND PLUS MAYBE YOU DIDN'T WIPE
TOO WELL. SO LATER WHEN YOUR ASS ITCHES THERE
YOU GO SPREADING E COLI.
GET IT TOGETHER PEOPLE, YOU'RE KILLING US SOFTLY
WITH YOUR POOP GERMS.

THIS HAS BEEN A PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT:

2009-04-12T14:50:00.000-07:00

OPPORTUNITY KNOCKED...
WHERE WAS I?
WASTING AWAY AGAIN IN MAGARITAVILLE,
SEARCHING FOR MY LOST SHAKER OF SALT.:(

AWHILE BACK I WROTE A POST ABOUT A
DREAM I HAD INVOLVING OBAMA AND
SOME NUMBERS. IN THE DREAM HE GAVE
ME 1.90 TO GO TO THE STORE TO BUY A
CAN OF OLD ENGLISH 800.

I AWOKE AND REMEMBERED THE NUMBERS,
I NEVER REMEMBER NUMBERS IN MY DREAMS.
SO EVER SINCE I'VE BEEN PLAYING THOSE
NUMBERS FOR ABOUT 2 MONTHS IN THE
DAILY 3 LOTTERY.

I DID ALL MY ERRANDS ON FRIDAY INCLUDING
PLAYING MY NUMBERS. 190,800 AND A FEW MORE,
SO I CAN SIT BACK AND RELAX SATURDAY.I DON'T
PLAY DAILY 3 EVERYDAY. I ONLY PLAY SUPER LOTTO
ON SATURDAY'S.
HERE COMES SUNDAY,I GET THE L.A.TIMES EVERY MORNING,
AND CAN'T WAIT TO HAVE MY OBAMA COFFEE WHILE
READING THE PAPER. I WAKE UP SAYING, WHAT THE
HELL IS GOING ON IN THIS WORLD TODAY?

I'LL TELL YOU WHAT WAS GOING ON,800 CAME IN ON
SATURDAY.WHILE I WAS RELAXING WITH VARIOUS
SUBSTANCES. MY EYES BECAME DIANA ROSS EYES
THEY POPPED OUT OF MY HEAD, AND BELIEVE ME
I WANTED TO REACH OUT AND TOUCH SOMEONE...

HELL THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN 400 BUCKS IN MY
EMPTY POCKETS.
YOUNG PEOPLE STAY AWAY FROM MARGARITAVILLE,
IT'S A TOWN WITHOUT PITY.:(

UPDATE:
WELL IT HAPPENED 190 CAME IN THE OTHER DAY,
I DIDN'T PLAY THAT DAY. I'M SO MAD I COULD HIT
A HORSE'S ASS.IF HE KICKS ME SO BE IT.:(

2009-04-05T16:20:00.000-07:00

DYSFUNCTIONAL FAMILIES & FRIENDS...

MY NIECE AND I WENT GROCERY SHOPPING
YESTERDAY, THERE WAS A GUY LOOKING FOR
DONATIONS FOR DYSFUNCTIONAL FAMILIES.

I SAID I UNDERSTAND ,WE COME FROM DYSFUNCTIONAL
FAMILIES OURSELVES. HE SAID I LOVE YOUR SENSE OF
HUMOUR...I WAS BEING SERIOUS.:)

IN MY FAMILY EVERYONE'S PROBLEMS ARE MORE
IMPORTANT THAN YOURS.
I COULD TELL MY SISTER THAT I HAD TO HAVE BOTH
OF MY LEGS AMPUTATED TODAY.

HER REPLY: THAT'S NOTHING UPS BROKE A FEW PIECES
OF MY LlANDRO COLLECTION...AND MY POOL BOY IS
IN THE HOSPITAL.

I CAN TELL MY MOM I HAVE CANCER AND HAVE 6 MONTHS
TO LIVE.

HER REPLY: WELL I HAVE DIABETES AND I CAN'T EAT CANDY,
TRY LIVING WITHOUT SWEETS,YOU ARE SO WEAK...WTF?

I COULD TELL A FRIEND THAT I'VE BEEN ARRESTED
FOR A D.U.I.,CAN YOU HELP ME?

THEIR REPLY: I TOLD YOU IN HIGH SCHOOL STOP
DRINKING AND DRIVING ...PLUS I NEVER LIKED YOU,
YOU THOUGHT YOU WERE BETTER THAN US
BECAUSE YOU WERE THE FIRST TO GET A CAR.
GO TO HELL YOU SNOOTY BITCH.

YEA I SHOULD HAVE DROPPED YOU BITCHES OFF
IN HOLLYWOOD THAT NIGHT,WHERE YOU ALL WOULD HAVE
BECOME WHORES...NOT THAT YOU DIDN'T ANYWAY...

YEA L, I WAS DRUNK YOU BIT ME IN THE BACK AND TOOK THE
KEYS MAYBE YOU SAVED MY LIFE,MAYBE YOU DIDN'T.
I THOUGHT I HAD RABIES IT WAS LIKE I WAS BITTEN
BY A MOOSE ,THAT HURT FOR YEARS.

MY MINISTER: FATHER I HAVE SINNED...
HIS REPLY: YOU TELLING ME! I'M SURPRISED
YOU'RE NOT BURNING IN HELL THIS VERY MOMENT.
YOU'RE LIKE A LITTLE SIN MACHINE...
WHY DO PEOPLE HAVE TO JUDGE PEOPLE,
WHERE'S THE LOVE?

2009-03-30T10:30:00.000-07:00

CRAZY PEOPLE...

I'M NOT TALKING ABOUT PEOPLE WHO
TALK TO THEMSELVES.
I'M NOT TALKING ABOUT PEOPLE WHO
CLAIM TO HAVE BEEN ABDUCTED BY A U.F.O.
I'M NOT TALKING ABOUT PEOPLE WHO
USE 1 PLY TOILET TISSUE,EVEN THOUGH
THAT IS INSANE.
I'M NOT TALKING ABOUT THE PEOPLE WHO
WIPE BACK TO FRONT...
I'M NOT EVEN TALKING ABOUT PEOPLE
WHO LIKE MAYONNAISE SANDWICHES.ewwwwww

I'M TALKING ABOUT THE NUTS WHO,
THINK THEY ARE RIGHT ALL THE DAMN TIME.
YOU CAN'T TELL THEM ANYTHING,AND THEY
REALLY BELIEVE THEY'RE RIGHT NO MATTER
THE SUBJECT.

I HOPE I NEVER BECOME ONE OF THOSE TYPE
OF PEOPLE,IT'S A COINCIDENCE THAT I
JUST HAPPEN TO BE RIGHT ALL THE TIME.
I'M NOT CRAZY, REALLY I'M NOT CRAZY I TELL
YOU!;)

2009-03-26T13:10:00.000-07:00

DOING THE JAIL HOUSE ROCK...

A MEMBER OF MY FAMILY WHO HAS TWO
YOUNG CHILDREN WAS RECENTLY ARRESTED
FOR AIDING & ABETTING KNOWN FELONS.

I HAVE ANOTHER MEMBER IN THE FAMILY WHO
IS CALLING AROUND TRYING TO GET HER BAIL MONEY.
THERE'S ONE GOOD THING ABOUT A BAD ECONOMY
IT GIVES A PERSON A REASON TO BE SELFISH.

REACTIONS SO FAR:
GRANDMA- NO WAY JOSE!

MY SISTER-YOU GOT TO BE KIDDING...AND SHE'S RICH!

MY MOM- DON'T LOOK AT ME...I'M SAVING MY MONEY
FOR MY FUNERAL.

MY NIECE THREATEN TO HAVE MY SISTER COMMITTED
IF SHE GAVE 1 DIME.
WHAT HAPPENED TO BLOOD IS THICKER THAN WATER?

I'M GUILTY TOO, I COULD PUT IT ON MY CREDIT CARD,
RUIN MY CREDIT AND END UP ON JUDGE MATHIS,
I CAN'T GO DOWN THAT STREET.
SORRY T, YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO WALK ALONE
IN THIS SITUATION.

YOU'RE ONLY 23, YOU WILL LEARN A LESSON IN ALL OF THIS,
LIKE WE ALL DO WHILE WALKING THROUGH LIFE.
I KNOW I'VE LEARN A LESSON, I BETTER KEEP MY NOSE CLEAN,
I DON'T WANT END UP IN JAIL.
WAITING FOR MY REALATIVES TO BAIL ME OUT?
I'LL BE WAITING UNTIL "THE TWELFTH OF NEVER",
AND MARRIED TO BIG BERTHA WHO WILL PROCEED TO
MAKE ME HER BITCH AND BEAT MY ASS EVERYDAY.:(

2009-03-22T18:30:00.000-07:00

HAWAII...

I WON A TRIP TO HAWAII IN THE LATE 80'S.
FORGET ABOUT THE LUAU, THE BLUE HAWAII'S,
HOT BUTTS DOING THE HOOLA. I WANTED TO
GET SOME OF THAT HAWAIIAN SMOKE.

MY FIRST ATTEMPT I DEALT WITH A COUPLE
OF HOME ISLAND BOYS. THEY BROUGHT ME BACK
SOME SHIT THAT LOOKED PROMISING.GAWD THEY
SCREWED ME I MIGHT AS WELL BEEN SMOKING OREGANO.

MY SECOND ATTEMPT WAS GETTING IN ONE OF
THOSE BIKE TAXI'S.I REMEMBER EVERYBODY WANTS
TO RULE THE WORLD WAS PLAYING.
HE STOPPED AT THIS SEEDY LITTLE SPOT, AND BROUGHT
ME OUT THE BOMB.I CALLED MYSELF SAVING THE SEEDS
IN MY BRA ON THE FLIGHT BACK.YEA I'M A DARE DEVIL!

LANDED IN LOS ANGELES, MY CAT WAS HAPPY TO SEE ME,
HE THREW UP ON MY BED...THAT WAS A WAY OF SHOWING
HIS LOVE. ANYWAY I COULDN'T WAIT TO PLANT MY SEEDS.
I TOOK THEM OUT OF MY BRA, AND THEY WERE SMASHED
UP. DAMN MY BIG BOOBS!:(

2009-03-19T08:30:00.000-07:00

OBAMA'S COMING TO TOWN...

HE'S COMING TO POMONA TODAY I AM
SO EXCITED,AND I PLAN ON BEING AT
THE LOCATION AROUND NOON.

I'M TAKING SOME TIME MAGAZINE COVERS
FOR HIM TO AUTOGRAPH.I HOPE I DON'T
HAVE TO ACT A FOOL IN LINE. BECAUSE I
PLAN ON GETTING TO THE FRONT COME
HELL OR HIGH WATER.
THIS MAY BE THE ONLY OPPORTUNITY I GET
AND I'M NOT BLOWING IT.

IF IT MEANS STEPPING ON SMALL CHILDREN,
SHOVING SENIOR CITIZENS MISLEADING THE
BLIND, I GOTTA DO WHAT I GOTTA DO.:)

UPDATE:
I'M SO MAD, I COULD PUNCH A ROCK!
I MISSED IT,HOLY MOTHER OF MOSES
SECOND COUSIN.I'M DISTRAUGHT,DEPRESSED
AND WOULD END IT ALL, IF SURVIVOR AND
HELL'S KITCHEN WASN'T COMING ON TONIGHT.

THE NEWS THIS MORNING REPORTED THAT HE
WOULD BE IN POMONA AT 1:45 P.M. I FIGURE I'D
LEAVE AROUND NOON,AND THEN MY WORLD
WAS SHATTERED. I'M WATCHING 11:30 EYE WITNESS NEWS
AND THEY REPORT THAT OBAMA ARRIVED AT 10:30 AND
WAS GETTING READY TO LEAVE. EVEN THE ILLEGALS
WERE SHOWN HOLDING UP THEIR IMMIGRATION REFORM
POSTERS. YOU BETTER HOPE THAT OBAMA DOESN'T THINK
LIKE ME...YOU'DE BE ON A BUS BACK TO MEXICO REFORMING
THAT CESSPOOL OF A COUNTRY.

WE'LL EXPERIENCE ARMAGEDDON,BEFORE OBAMA
COMES BACK TO POMONA.
I'M GOING TO HAVE TO GET RID OF THIS ANGER I FEEL
RIGHT NOW. I'M TAKING THIS OUT ON SOMEONE, I NEED
A RELEASE. LET'S SEE THERE'S ALWAYS MOM(see previous post)
MY SISTERS,LORD KNOWS THEY HAVE IT COMING.
MY COUSINS,NIECES,NEPHEWS OR FRIENDS...

I'M GOING TO HAVE TO MAKE SOMEONE FEEL REAL BAD,
TO MAKE MYSELF FEEL BETTER,I'M FUNNY THAT WAY.
YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY"MISERY LOVES COMPANY":(

2009-03-15T14:05:00.000-07:00

I'LL ALWAYS LOVE MY MAMA,BUT...

WHEN A KID GOES BAD IT'S ALWAYS MOMS FAULT,
NEVER DADS,WHY IS THAT?
I'M GUILTY FOR BLAMING MY INADEQUACIES
ON MY MOTHER.

I BLAME HER FOR EVERYTHING, MY PERIOD STARTING
IN MY JUNIOR HIGH SCHOOL BIOLOGY CLASS,
IT WAS EMBARASSING.I THREW A DISSECTED FROG
ON MY LOVE INTEREST,THAT WAS
MY AFRICAN /IRISH LOVE CALL.IN MY WORLD
THROWING ANIMAL BODY PARTS ON PEOPLE WAS SEXY
I'D THOUGHT I FOUND THE SECRET TO TRUE LOVE.:)

I THINK I SAW MY MOTHER THROW A FISH AT MY
STEPDADDYS HEAD OR WAS IT A CRAB? ANYWAY I
THINK THEY HAD A GOOD TIME THAT NIGHT...
I WANTED TO GROW UP TO BE LIKE MOMMY.

MAMA SHOULD HAVE TOLD ME
THAT IS NO WAY TO GET A PIECE OF ASS...MISSY!
YOU JUST DON'T THROW ANIMAL BODY PARTS AT
PEOPLE AND EXPECT THEM TO LOVE YOU. I STUMBLED
BACK TO THE CAVE,AND DREW PICTURES OF WILD
DOGS ON THE WALL,WHILE SCRATCHING MYSELF.

THANKS MOM! IT'S A LITTLE TOO LATE,THEY'RE
MARRIED WITH CHILDREN!
I BLAME HER FOR HIGH FOOD PRICES TO THE IRAQ WAR.
IT MAKES NO SENSE DOES IT?
BUT SOME HOW,SOME WAY IT'S HER FAULT...

I GUESS THAT'S A MOTHERS CROSS TO BEAR, I'M
GLAD I'M NOT A MOM, I COULDN'T TAKE THE PRESSURE.
IF ANYONE WANTS TO THROW SOME FILET MIGNON MY
WAY HIT ME BABY ONE MORE TIME...:)

2009-03-11T15:05:00.000-07:00

SELF LOVE...

ACCORDING TO THE STATS ON MASTERBATION
100% OF MEN DO IT, VERSES 92% OF WOMEN.
I WOULD NEVER ADMIT TO IT,I PREFER TO SAY
SOMETIMES I CHECK THINGS OUT,TO SEE IF
THEY'RE STILL WORKING PROPERLY.;)

THEY SAY TO FEEL ON YOUR BREAST TO MAKE
SURE YOU HAVE NO LUMPS,THEN PROP YOURSELF
UP AND LOOK AT YOUR VAGINA IN A MIRROR.
I CAN SEE HOW THAT CAN LEAD TO A SELF LOVE SITUATION
JUST THINKING ABOUT, I'M FEELING A LITTLE HOT!

I KIND OF GLANCED AT IT AT FIRST, THEN I TOLD MYSELF
HEY! IT'S EVERYWHERE I GO. SO I GAVE IT A GOOD LOOK
DAMN IT'S PRETTIER THAN I COULD EVER IMAGINE.
IT'S YOUR FRIEND,IT WANTS TO MAKE YOU HAPPY,
DAMN! I'VE HAD A BEST FRIEND ALL THIS TIME,
I'M GOING TO START TAKING CARE OF MY FRIENDS,
IT'S THE RIGHT THING TO DO.

GOTTA GO NOW MY NEW BEST FRIEND IS CALLING.:)

2009-03-08T13:45:00.000-07:00

A PAIN IN THE ASS...

THE DAY STARTED OUT GREAT,
THE BIRDS WERE SHINING AND
THE SUN WAS SINGING.

I WAS MAKING MY EMERGENCY KIT,
JUST IN CASE...CAN GOODS, BEEF JERKEY,
WATER,FLASHLIGHTS,ETC. ENOUGH TO LAST FOR A WEEK
BEFORE I HAVE TO START SNATCHING PURSES AND
ROBBING BANKS.

I WALKED AWAY TO DO WHATEVER AND
CAME BACK AND PLOPPED DOWN ON A CAN
OF ROAST BEEF. GAWD LORDY B. JESUS!
YOU DIDN'T KNOW JESUS MIDDLE INTIAL WAS
B. DID YOU? YOU LEARN SOMETHING EVERYDAY...
I'VE LEARNED MY LESSON, WATCH WHERE YOU
SIT. GAWD ! MY ASS HURT FOR 3 WEEKS, I THINK
I BRUISED MY TAILBONE.

IT WAS VERY UNCOMFORTABLE TO SIT DOWN FOR
WEEKS...AND THAT'S MY FAVORITE THING TO DO.

I DIDN'T WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR, NO X-RAYS
OF MY ASS,PLUS IT WOULD BE EMBARRASSING.
I'VE DEALT WITH THE PAIN,IF I HAD A NORMAL
BLACK GIRLS ASS I WOULDN'T HAVE GONE THROUGH THIS.
KIM KARDASHIAN'S ASS,WHAT A GREAT ASS! HER ASS
IS MESMERIZING.YEA SHE'S WHITE,BUT SHE'S AN
EXCEPTION TO THE RULE.
NOT THAT I'M GAY OR ANYTHING...

I HAVE AN AVERAGE WHITE GIRLS ASS,NO CUSHION,
BABY DON'T HAVE BACK,
DAMN MY IRISH ROOTS...:(

2009-03-04T18:30:00.000-08:00

TO NO ONE IN PARTICULAR...

I TRIED TO LOVE YOU, YOU'RE UNLOVABLE.

I TRIED TO UNDERSTAND YOU,YOU'RE
INCOHERENT.

YOU TALK WHILE I'M TALKING,
WHEN THAT IS DONE NO ONE IS HEARD.
SHUT THE F##K UP AND LEARN SOMETHING...

I TRIED TO MAKE YOU HAPPY,YOUR
CLOCK IS SET ON MISERY.
F##K YOU,F##K YOU,F##K YOU!

SHAKESPEARE HAS NOTHING ON ME!
WASN'T THAT DEEP?
I GOT SKILLS, WHEN IT COMES TO
MATTERS OF THE HEART.
HALLMARK CARDS CALL ME...:)

2009-03-01T15:30:00.000-08:00

EMAIL TO OPRAH...

HI OPRAH, I AM DIGGING YOUR READING GLASSES
YOU'RE WEARING LATELY. I LOST MY COOL SUNGLASSES
NOT TO LONG AGO, AND I WAS DEVASTATED. I WEAR READING
GLASSES BUT I LOVE SUNGLASSES,EVEN THOUGH I CAN'T
READ WITH MY SUNGLASSES. BECAUSE IT'S BETTER TO
LOOK COOL THAN TO READ.:)

I WOULD APPRECIATE IT IF YOU SEND ME THOSE GLASSES
YOU WEAR ON THE SHOW,THEY ARE WAY COOL...
I'LL WEAR THEM PROUDLY,AND TELL PEOPLE THAT
MY FRIEND OPRAH GAVE THEM TO ME.
I KNOW, I KNOW GAILE IS YOUR BEST FRIEND,
BUT YOU CAN NEVER HAVE TOO MANY FRIENDS.:)

TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF AND OTHERS, OH GAWD
I JUST QUOTED JERRY SPRINGER...DON'T HOLD THAT
AGAINST ME.
I KNOW YOU'RE VERY BUSY,BUT IT HAS BEEN 2 DAYS
SINCE I EMAILED YOU,I'M NOT THE MOST PATIENT
PERSON IN THE WORLD.

MAYBE WE CAN MAKE A TRADE...LOOKING AROUND MY
SARDINE CAN...I MEAN MY HOME,I DON'T HAVE ANYTHING
YOU WOULD WANT. WAIT A MINUTE...I HAVE A LIMITED
EDITION BOTTLE OF HENNESSY COGNAC HONORING
OBAMA BEING THE 44TH PRESIDENT.
I PLANNED ON KEEPING IT FOR AT LEAST10 YEARS TO
LET IT AGE,BUT THE WAY THINGS ARE GOING I COULD
OPEN THAT BAD BOY ANY MINUTE.

OH YEA, I HAVE A PAIR OF EARPLUGS OBAMA USED EVERY
TIME JOHN McCAIN OPENED UP HIS DUMBASS MOUTH.
DEAL OR NO DEAL?

I HATE TO BRING THIS UP BUT,
REMEMBER BACK IN 1989? YOU
WERE STAYING IN A ROOM DOWN
THE HALL FROM ME. I ACCIDENTALLY
WALKED INTO YOUR ROOM AND WAS
SHOCKED,DISGUSTED, AND KIND OF
TURNED ON.;)

LUCKILY I HAD MY CAMERA ON ME,
YOU FEELING ME? I'LL BE EXEPECTING
MY PACKAGE ANY DAY NOW...KAPEESH!

SORRY IT HAD TO COME TO THIS, BUT I
REALLY WANT THOSE GLASSES.

BY THE WAY...
DON'T FORGET TO EMAIL ME THE TRACKING NUMBER,
I LIKE TO KEEP TRACK OF MY PACKAGES.:)

2009-02-25T21:10:00.000-08:00

NOW WHAT?

PREJUDICE CAN COME BACK AND BITE YOU
IN THE ASS. I LIVE IN MEXICO A.K.A. POMONA.
MEXICANS HATE BLACK PEOPLE AS MUCH AS
THE KKK REDNECKS. WHAT DO THEY HAVE IN COMMON?
BOTH ARE DUMB AS ROCKS.
IF YOU EVER SEE BILLY BOB, OR JUAN GARCIA ON JEOPARDY
LET ME KNOW, I WANT TO BELIEVE IN MIRACLES.

LITTLE MEXICAN KIDS THAT HAVE BEEN TAUGHT TO HATE
BLACK PEOPLE CAUSE THEY'RE BAD.
NOW THEY LOOK AT BLACK PEOPLE IN AWE, AND MAMA WAS
WRONG, THEY KNOW WE HAVE A BLACK PRESIDENT,AND BLACK
IS WHERE IT'S AT.

YOU PEOPLE, LIKE THE REDNECKS ARE NOTHING BUT HATERS.
YOU'RE SHORT, YOU'RE STUPID AND THE ONLY THING
GOOD ABOUT YOU IS YOUR FOOD.

YOU'RE SO DUMB, YOU LISTEN TO THE MEXICAN MAFIA IN PRISON
TO TELL YOU TO KILL BLACK PEOPLE.

WHO IN THE f##K LISTENS TO PEOPLE WHO ARE IN PRISON.
Y'ALL SOME DUMB BUTT HEADS.
YOU'RE HARD WORKERS, BUT YOU'RE A DUMB GROUP OF PEOPLE
AND THE OLDER YOU GET THE DUMBMER YOU ARE.

YOU PEOPLE LIKE TO RIDE OUR COAT TAILS IN HISTORY,
BUT THERE WILL NEVER BE A MEXICAN PRESIDENT.
DO YOU THINK BLACK PEOPLE WOULD VOTE FOR YOU OR WHITE
PEOPLE? NOT IN A MOTHER F##KEN MILLION YEARS.

BLACKS AND WHITES PUT OBAMA INTO OFFICE, SI SENIOR!

SORRY PEEPS BUT SOMEONE HAS TO DROP THE 411 ON THOSE
PEOPLE...PLUS THEY'RE SNEAKY AS F##k.
LET'S TAKE A LOOK ON HOW IT REALLY IS.
ODDS OF OTHER MINORITIES BECOMING PRESIDENT.
1. INDIANS FROM INDIA ...10 TRILLION TO 1
2. MEXICANS...10 TRILLION TO 1
3.KOREANS...10 TRILLION TO 1
4.DUMB ASS HILLBILLY...10 TRILLION TO 1
5. A BLACK WOMAN NAME LA,QUEITA MERCEDES SMITH JONES
6 TRILLION TO 1
THAT'S RIGHT SHE HAS A BETTER CHANCE THAN ALL OF THE ABOVE.

WHILE SHE'S BUSY TRACKING DOWN WHO THE BABY DADDY IS,
I'LL TAKE CHARGE...THEN WE'LL BE IN GOOD HANDS, LIKE
ALLSTATE BABY!;)

2009-02-23T12:45:00.000-08:00

A SIGN OF LOVE,SHOWERS TOGETHER?

MAYBE IT'S ME BUT I DON'T CONSIDER THAT
A TURN ON. I DON'T THINK I WOULD ENJOY
THE FILTH RUNNING OFF YOUR SEXY BODY.

I'VE DONE IT BEFORE, BUT I WAS SO STONED
I DON'T REMEMBER THE EXPERIENCE. WELL
BITS AND PARTS.

I LOOK AT A BATH OR SHOWER BEING A PERSONAL
THING, ME AND MY TOYS.I HAVE A VERY SPECIAL
RUBBER DUCK,AND HE KNOWS JUST WHAT TO DO.
DID I JUST SAY THAT OUT LOUD?

AND DON'T LET ME GET STARTED ON GOLDEN SHOWERS,
THAT'S JUST NASTY...TRY PISSING ON ME, AND YOU'RE
IN DEEP TROUBLE. YOU'RE LOOKING FOR A CHRIS BROWN
BEAT DOWN...ONLY WORSE.
LIKE MY GRANDPA WILLY USE TO TELL ME,
"IT'S BETTER TO BE PISSED OFF, THAN TO BE PISSED ON"

MAYBE I HAVE A HANG UP ABOUT IT, BECAUSE AT 12
YEARS OLD I SAW MY MOM AND STEPDAD IN THE SHOWER.
HEY! I WAS LOOKING FOR MY MOMMY!

I THINK IT SCARED ME FOR LIFE, THERE WAS MY NAKED
SKINNY STEPDAD,AND MY MOTHERS BOOBS WERE HANGING OUT...
I HADN'T SEEN THEM SINCE I WAS A BREAST FED BABY.
AND NOW MY DADDY WAS DEALING WITH THEM, I COULDN'T
TAKE IT. OH GAWD! THE FLASHBACKS,I HAVE TO GO LAY DOWN NOW.

2009-02-17T13:19:00.000-08:00

LIAR LIAR PANTS ON FIRE...

GAWD I HATE HABITUAL LIARS,
THEY LIE FOR NO REASON. I'M
NOT SAYING I NEVER LIE, BUT IT'S
USUALLY TO GET MY ASS OUT OF TROUBLE.

SOME PEOPLE LIE JUST FOR THE HELL
OF IT. I HAVE 3 HABITUAL LIARS IN MY
LIFE,AND I DON'T BELIEVE ANYTHING
THEY SAY ANYMORE.APPARENTLY THEIR
PARENTS NEVER TOLD THEM THE STORY
OF THE BOY WHO CRIED WOLF.

IF THEY WERE TO TELL ME, THAT IT'S
A BEAUTIFUL DAY OUTSIDE,THE SUN IS
SHINING AND THE SKY IS A PRETTY BLUE,
I WOULD GO OUTSIDE AND CHECK FOR MYSELF.
THERE HAS TO BE A SPECIAL PLACE IN HELL
FOR HABITUAL LIARS, AFTER ALL THE DEVIL IS A LIAR...

YOU JUST DON'T KNOW HOW STUPID YOU LOOK,
STOP IT ALREADY!

RELATING TO MY PREVIOUS POST.

SOMEONE ONCE TOLD ME I WAS SELFISH
BECAUSE I DIDN'T WANT KIDS.

PLEASE! I AM HAPPY AS HELL I DIDN'T HAVE KIDS(no worries)
EVEN THOUGH I FEEL I WOULD HAVE BEEN A GREAT
MOTHER. MY KID WOULD KNOW E=MC2 AT 3 AND
WOULD BE ABLE TO PLAY MOZART ON THE PIANO AT 5.
BUT TRUTH BE TOLD, I'M A BIG KID,AND
I'M A HAND FULL.

BESIDES JESUS DIDN'T HAVE KIDS AND HE TURNED OUT OKAY...:)

2009-02-16T18:20:00.000-08:00

HARD TIMES...

AND A DUMB BITCH THINKS HAVING 14
KIDS IS A BLESSING...
YOUR EXCUSE FOR HAVING THESE KIDS
ARE... "I WANTED SOMEONE TO LOVE ME"
YOU SELFISH LITTLE F**k THERE'S NO GUARANTEE
THAT YOUR KIDS ARE GOING TO GROW UP AND LOVE
YOU JUST BECAUSE YOU'RE THEIR MOTHER. HELL,
EVEN THE BABY DADDY DON'T GIVE A DAMN FOOL!...

IN THESE HARD ECONOMIC TIMES, YOU HAVE TO BE CRAZY.
YOUR KIDS ARE GOING TO BE DEPRIVED OF BASIC THINGS
JUST BECAUSE OF YOUR SELFISHNESS.
LIKE I TOLD MY NIECE ONE TIME, NOBODY IS
GOING TO LOVE YOUR KIDS THE WAY YOU DO...

YOU LIVE IN A DELUSIONAL WORLD WHERE YOU
THINK SOMEBODY GIVES A F##K,
IT'S 2009 PARTY OVER OOPS, IT'S OUT OF TIME.
PRINCE GAVE YOU A WARNING, HE WAS JUST 10 YEARS
OFF...

2009-02-12T15:40:00.000-08:00

THE RUMOURS ARE FLYING...

RIHANNA IS BEATEN UP BECAUSE,
SHE GAVE CHRIS BROWN INCURABLE HERPES.
JAY-Z WHO DISCOVERED RIHANNA IS SAID TO HAVE
GIVEN IT TO HER. THEN THERE'S TI WHO IS GETTING
READY TO GO TO PRISON WORKED WITH RIHANNA,
AND IS SAID TO HAVE HERPES.

SINCE JAY-Z IS MARRIED TO BEYONCE, PEOPLE ARE
WONDERING IF SHE HAS HERPES NOW.:(
PEOPLE! YOU NEVER HEARD OF
"WHAT A TANGLED WEB WE WEAVE AT FIRST
WE PRACTICE TO DECEIVE."

NOW THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD KNOWS YOU HAVE HERPES.

YOUR SWAG IS GOING TO CHILL, AND YOU'LL HAVE
TROUBLE FINDING A NASTY PERSON WHO WANTS
TO SLEEP WITH YOU,BECAUSE THEY WOULD HAVE TO BE NASTY.
(and not in a good way like Janet)

I'M TRYING TO THINK UP A GREAT PICK -UP LINE FOR Y'ALL.
THINKING...THINKING...STILL THINKING
JUST BE YOURSELF AND SAY...
WELL,YOU KNOW I HAVE HERPES,TELL ME YOU'RE A
NASTY GIRL OR BOY.

HERE'S ANOTHER ONE "HEY BABY,WANNA JOIN THE 4-H CLUB?

2009-02-10T18:45:00.000-08:00

SICK AS A DOG...

I HAD THE STOMACH FLU FOR 2NIGHTS & 1 DAY.
I THOUGHT THIS WAS THE END,I MUST HAVE PUKED
22 TIMES,AND THE PAIN,OH THE PAIN.BETWEEN THE
CRAMPING AND THE PUKING,I THOUGHT SURE
I WAS GOING TO DIE.

MY MOTHER WANTED TO CALL AN AMBULANCE
AT 2 IN THE MORNING, I YELL NO LET ME DIE
IN PEACE. THEN SHE TRIED TO GET ME TO GO TO
HER DOCTOR THE NEXT DAY,I BEGGED HER TO
JUST LEAVE ME ALONE. BESIDES HER DOCTOR'S
NAME IS JOSE SANCHEZ...NO WAY JOSE!
WAS THAT A RACIST STATEMENT? OH WELL
I'M ONLY HUMAN.

THE PAIN WAS SO HORRIBLE, AFTER A WHILE,
I STARTED PRAYING FOR DEATH. I'M NOT SCARED
OF DEATH I'M LOOKING FORWARD TO SEEING
JESUS AND MARVIN GAYE. HEY! DON'T GIVE ME
THAT LOOK, HIS FATHER SHOT HIM.

I USUALLY WAKE UP SINGING IN THE MORNING BUT
THE ONLY SONG I SUNG THAT MORNING WAS
"TAKE ME LORD JESUS AND TAKE ME NOW"

I'M FEELING BETTER NOW,I JUST CAN'T EAT AND
HAVE TO DRINK A LOT OF LIQUIDS...NO ALCOHOL:(
I'LL BE THERE JUST NOT NOW.:)
I HAVE IT ON GOOD AUTHORITY, THAT I WILL
BE IN CHARGE WITH PETER AT THE PEARLY GATES.
WOW! DECIDING WHO GETS IN, CAN'T WAIT TO SAY
"JUST WHERE DO YOU THINK YOU'RE GOING BUTTHEAD?"

2009-02-08T14:25:00.000-08:00

ME,OBAMA,& THE LOTTERY...

I HAD A DREAM THE OTHER NIGHT THAT
OBAMA STOPPED BY. HE MADE HIMSELF
COMFORTABLE RECLINING ON THE SOFA.

I HAVE A FEW OF HIS AUTOGRAPHS AND
I ASKED HIM WERE THEY REAL. BECAUSE
A LOT OF FAKES ARE BEING SOLD ON EBAY.
HE STARTED LAUGHING LOOKING AT THEM, AND
SAID MAYBE 1 WAS REAL OUT THE BUNCH.
I DIDN'T FALL APART BECAUSE I KNEW I WAS
GOING TO GET A REAL ONE.

HE WENT BACK AND LAYED DOWN ON THE SOFA,
AND ASKED ME IF I'D GO TO THE STORE HE
WANTED A CAN OF OLD ENGLISH 800.
BOY THAT STUFF IS NOT BEER I THINK IT'S
PART WHISKEY. I REMEMBER AS A TEEN TRYING
IT, NEXT THING YOU KNOW I WAS IN THE FRONT
YARD RUNNING AROUND DOING FLIPS.I WAS
PUNISHED AND HAD TO STAY IN MY ROOM ALL DAY,
WITH 4 OTHER OFFENDERS.

BUT A DEVASTATING SECRET CAME OUT IN THE
FAMILY THAT DAY.
DRUNK TEENS DON'T HAVE THE
EQUIPMENT TO REALIZE,THAT
"LOOSE LIPS SINK SHIPS."

OKAY BACK TO THE DREAM
ANYWAY HE GAVE ME 1.90 ON THE DOT.
I NEVER MADE IT TO THE STORE BECAUSE
I COULDN'T FIND MY SHOES.
AREN'T DREAMS A TRIP? MY DREAMS ARE
MORE EXCITING THAN MY LIFE.

MAYBE SOMEDAY I'LL SHARE WITH YOU
THE DREAM WHERE I'M SHOPPING WITH
MICHAEL JACKSON.

WHEN I WOKE UP I REMEMBERED THE NUMBERS
800 &190, I NEVER REMEMBER NUMBERS IN DREAMS.

FIRST THING I THINK OF IS THE DAILY THREE ,ONE
OF OUR MANY LOTTERY GAMES.
I RAN OUT TO PLAY THEM EXCITED THAT THIS
WAS EASY MONEY BABY! YES I WALK THROUGH
LIFE WEARING ROSE COLORED GLASSES.

F##k,F##K,F##k, I'LL BE DAMN IF 900 DIDN'T
COME IN. NOW I'M STUCK PLAYING THAT SET
OF NUMBERS UNTIL THEY DO COME IN.

BECAUSE THE MINUTE I DON'T PLAY THOSE
NUMBERS THEY'LL COME IN, AND I'LL GO INTO A STATE
OF DEPRESSION UNTIL I FINALLY DECIDE TO JUMP
OFF A BRIDGE.

AND ON TOP OF THAT I HAVE TO WONDER IF MY
OBAMA AUTOGRAPHS ARE REAL.
WHY IS LIFE SO COMPLICATED?
MAYBE IT'S TRUE WHAT THIS OLD MAN,
ONCE TOLD ME IN MY TEENS.
"LIFE'S A BITCH AND THEN YOU DIE":(

2009-02-04T15:35:00.000-08:00

OH BOY! OH BOY! OH BOY!

MY OBAMA HENNESSY COGNAC CAME TODAY,
A LIMITED EDITION I HAVE #165318 OUT OF 180,000.
I HOPE TO KEEP IT FOR YEARS ,LET IT
AGE.

I'M KIND OF FEELING LIKE TASTING IT, AND
I AM GOING THROUGH A BROKEN HEART STAGE.
STAGE 1. YOU WANT TO KILL THEM.
STAGE 2. YOU WANT TO KILL THEIR WHOLE FAMILY.
STAGE 3. YOU WANT TO KILL THEIR FRIENDS TOO
OR IS IT JUST ME?
BUT I DIGRESS.
I HAPPEN TO BE DRINKING JAGERMEISTER
AT THIS MOMENT,TEMPTATION IS A BITCH!

IF I WAKE UP IN THE MORNING AND THIS BOTTLE
IS EMPTY, I'M GOING TO A.A. SO FAST THAT IT WILL
MAKE MY HEAD SPIN. SO WHAT IF I MISS
THE DOCTORS,ALL MY CHILDREN,PEOPLE'S COURT
AND MAURY WHO'S THE BABY DADDY,
I'M WORTH SAVING.:)

UPDATE:
I DIDN'T DRINK IT, I'M GOING TO MAKE IT AFTER ALL!
THROWING HAT IN THE AIR...BLESS MARY TYLER MOORE.

2009-02-01T16:25:00.000-08:00

THE SUPER BOWL...

I DON'T UNDERSTAND FOOTBALL,
I'M ONLY WATCHING IT FOR THE
COMMERCIALS. PLUS I'M WAITING
TO SEE THE BOSS AT HALFTIME.
I'VE BEEN TO 4 CONCERTS OF SPRINGSTEEN,
BLACK & WHITE TAKING A TOKE OF THE SMOKE
AND PASSING IT AROUND.
AH...THE GOOD OLD DAYS.

I SEE ONE OF THE STEELERS HAS LONG HAIR
THAT HANGS OUT OF HIS HELMET.
IF I WAS PLAYING AGAINST HIM, I WOULD
PULL HIS HAIR UNTIL HE DROPPED THE BALL.
DAMN! I COULD HAVE BEEN AN NFL COACH.:)

2009-01-27T19:40:00.000-08:00

DAMN IT, DAMN IT, DAMN IT...

TODAY WAS ONE OF THE SADDEST DAYS
OF MY LIFE... TEARING UP...:(
I TRY TO TELL MYSELF I NEEDED A CHANGE
ANYWAY, BUT I STILL REMAIN DEVASTATED.

I WOULDN'T WISH THIS ON MY WORSE ENEMY.
LET ME GET A HOLD OF MYSELF AND TELL YOU
WHAT HAPPENED...

I LOST MY FAVORITE SUNGLASSES...WHY ME?
EVER SINCE A YOUNG WHITE TEENAGER AT WALGREENS
TOLD ME HOW COOL THEY WERE I'VE WORN THEM.
I FELT COOL IN THEM, AND ISN'T THAT ALL THAT
MATTERS IS TO BE COOL?
LIFE I NOT WORTH LIVING IF YOU'RE NOT COOL,
WELL THAT'S MY OPINION.

I'VE LOOKED EVERYWHERE,I FOUND A COLORING BOOK
AND CRAYONS THAT I WAS GOING TO GIVE KEVIN & AARON.
BUT THEIR MOTHER SAID NOOOOOOOOOO.
THEY'RE 4&5 I FORGOT KIDS WRITE ON WALLS...

ANYWAY I STARTED RELAXING BY COLORING IN THE
BOOK...I STAYED INSIDE THE LINES TOO.:)

ALL THIS BECAUSE I LOST MY COOL SUNGLASSES.:(
WHAT'S NEXT, CURLING UP IN A FETAL POSITION
IN A CORNER SUCKING MY THUMB?
ARE THE TELETUBBIES STILL ON?
WHAT EVER HAPPENED TO TINKY WINKY
THE ONE WITH THE PURSE, THAT
JERRY FALWELL ATTACKED?

I BETTER FIND THOSE MOTHER F##KING
GLASSES SOON I FEEL MYSELF IN THE
WORDS OF PAUL SIMON"SLIP SLIDING AWAY":(

2009-01-25T17:40:00.000-08:00

THE GREATEST PICKUP LINES IN THE WORLD:

I WASN'T GOING TO PUBLISH THESE
BUT I'VE BEEN FEELING ON TOP OF THE
WORLD LATELY...I WONDER WHY?:)
THERE'S A LOT OF LONELY PEOPLE
OUT THERE AND ALL I WANT TO DO
IS HELP YOU HOOK UP.

OBAMA SAYS WE SHOULD ALL DO OUR PART,
TO BRING THIS COUNTRY TOGETHER.
THIS IS ONE OF MY CONTRIBUTIONS.

THERE'S ONLY 3 THAT WILL GET YOU IN THE
DOOR ,SO READ CAREFULLY AND PRACTICE,
PRACTICE,PRACTICE.

1. IF THE OBJECT OF YOUR DESIRE IS
SITTING DOWN...
TELL THEM, DAMN! THAT SURE IS ONE LUCKY CHAIR.
(Let it sink in)

2. YOU'VE JUST MOVED TO THE TOP OF MY
TO DO LIST.

3. GEE, THAT'S A NICE SET OF LEGS, WHAT TIME
DO THEY OPEN?

HAVING THE WISDOM OF SOLOMON IS EXHAUSTING,
WORK IT OUT PEOPLE.:)

WARNING:
I JUST RECEIVED AN EMAIL,WHAT AN ASS...
Michele you are full of shit. I tried #3 and was told the twelfth of never,
how do you explain this miss know it all?

My reply...I forgot to give a warning concerning #3.
You can't be a popcorn player with no game or a scrub..
You can't be a broke down, not working wanna be player.

It's not my fault it didn't work for you,the game is to be
SOLD NOT TOLD!

You went to step 3, when you should have started at step 1.
Michele
P.S.
THEY JUST MIGHT NOT BE INTO YOU!

2009-01-21T21:15:00.000-08:00

AMERICAN IDOL...

I LOVE AMERICAN IDOL BUT IT MAKES ME
FEEL VERY INSECURE. I USE TO HAVE A
BEAUTIFUL VOICE,NOW I SING ALONG
AND OH MY GAWD!

JUDGES REVIEW:
RANDY- TAKING HIS GLASSES OFF AND
SWEATING LIKE O.J. IN COURT.APPARENTLY
I WAS KILLING HIM SOFTLY WITH MY SONG...
CLIMBING UNDER THE TABLE AND
CURSING THE DAY HE WAS BORN, OR
WAS IT THE DAY I WAS BORN,I'M NOT SURE...

PAULA- SITTING THERE WITH HER MOUTH
WIDE OPEN,REACHING IN HER PURSE FOR DRUGS.
YET SHE MANAGES TO TELL ME,YOU'LL GO FAR.
SHE'S SO SWEET.:)

SIMON-ARE YOU SERIOUS? REALLY ARE YOU SERIOUS?
YOU CAN'T BE SERIOUS! HE STARTS PLAYING
WITH HIS MAN BOOBS,AND TURNS BEET RED
THEN HE LEAVES THE ROOM .
THANKING ME FOR SPARKING UP HIS
SEX LIFE.
HE GRABS RYAN SEACREST AND STARTS TO
FRENCH KISS HIM.
(Something he's been wanting to do.:)

I WOULD GO ON TO HAVE A CAREER LIKE WILLIAM HUNG,
AND TAYLOR HICKS. SHORT BUT SWEET.:)

WAIT UNTIL YOU HEAR MY RENDITION OF
"LET'S GET IT ON" IT'S LIFE CHANGING".
BELIEVE ME AFTER YOU HEAR ME SING
"LET'S GET IT ON" YOUR LIFE WILL NEVER
BE THE SAME.:)

2009-01-20T15:45:00.000-08:00

CRY BABY,CRY BABY SUCK MY MAMAS TIDDY...
OH GAWD! HAVING FLASHBACKS.

I'VE CRIED SO MUCH DURING OBAMA'S
CLIMB TO THE PRESIDENCY THAT I AM
ALL CRIED OUT. I HAVEN'T CRIED THIS
MUCH SINCE MY UNCLE BOB DIED.

NOW I KNOW THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN
CRYING OUT OF GRIEVE, AND CRYING TEARS
OF JOY.:)

2009-01-20T11:07:00.000-08:00

10 FACTS ABOUT BARACK OBAMA...

1.HE HAS READ EVERY "HARRY POTTER" BOOK.

2. HE LIKES TO PLAY SCRABBLE AND POKER.

3. HE COLLECTS SPIDERMAN AND CONAN THE
BARBARIAN COMIC BOOKS.

4. HE CAN BENCH PRESS 200lbs.

5.HE USES AN APPLE MAC LAPTOP.

6.HE DOESN'T DRINK COFFEE.

7.HIS SPECIALTY AS A COOK IS CHILLI.

8.HE HAS TRIED POT & COCAINE (HE ADMITS IT).

9.HE HATES THE FASHION OF JEANS SAGGING
BELOW THE BUTT.

10.HE TOOK MICHELLE TO SEE"DO THE RIGHT THING"
ON THEIR FIRST DATE.

2009-01-20T08:10:00.000-08:00

THE LETTER:

DEAR MR. PRESIDENT,
I AM SO FILLED WITH JOY AT THIS MOMENT,
I'M ABOUT TO BURST. I THINK OF ALL THE
BLACK PEOPLE WHO HAVE DIED AND NEVER
LIVED TO SEE THIS DAY. I THINK OF MY ANCESTORS,
FAMILY MEMBERS WHO NEVER LIVED TO SEE THIS DAY.

I WAS DISAPPOINTED THAT I DIDN'T GET INVITED TO
YOUR INAUGURATION, BUT THAT'S OKAY, I DIDN'T
HAVE A THING TO WEAR. MY IDEA OF FORMAL WEAR
IS SWEAT PANTS THAT MATCH AND A LEATHER COAT.:)

I KNOW IT IS GOING TO TAKE SOME TIME MAYBE YEARS
BEFORE THIS COUNTRY CAN EXHALE.
IF ANYONE CAN GET US OUT OF THIS MESS, ALL MY
MONEY IS ON YOU.
I SAID IN THE BEGINNING WHEN YOU WON IOWA,
THAT YOU WERE THE ANNOINTED ONE.
IT WAS TIME,IT WAS YOUR TIME,IT WAS OUR TIME,
IT WAS DESTINY.

IF YOU EVER NEED ADVICE ON ANYTHING TEXT ME,
I THINK I KNOW EVERYTHING AND I'M NEVER WRONG
AT LEAST THAT'S WHAT MY MOTHER SAYS.:)
CALL ME,YOU KNOW MY NUMBER, I DON'T UNDERSTAND
HOW YOU TEXT ME ON MY CELL PHONE. THAT'S A
VERY PRIVATE NUMBER RESERVED FOR HOTTIES.

THAT'S OKAY I CONSIDER YOU A HOTTIE NOW!
DON'T BE A STRANGER.:)

2009-01-13T15:45:00.000-08:00

ROOM MATES FROM HELL,HELL,HELL...

USUAL SUSPECTS:
TRESA... A SCORPIO PSYCHO BITCH,
I USE TO ASK GOD WHY DID HE BRING
HER INTO MY LIFE.

BROTHER AL... A GUY THAT LEFT EVERY
MORNING WITH A BRIEFCASE, BUT NEVER
COULD COME UP WITH THE RENT.

DAVID...HE RODE A MOTORCYCLE, YEP!
YOU ALWAYS KNEW WHEN DAVID WAS HOME,
AND VARIOUS FAMILY MEMBERS.
IN L.A. I HAD A TWO BEDROOM CRIB WITH 2 BATHS
SO I DECIDED TO RENT OUT A ROOM.
I SHALL PROCEED TO DISSECT THESE NUTS.

TRESA...YOU WERE A PIECE OF WORK, YOU PUT
ALUMINUM ON YOUR WINDOWS. WTF?
YOU ACCUSED ME OF STEALING A SHOWER
CURTAIN, WHEN MY BATHROOMS HAD GLASS DOORS...WTF?
ACCUSATION AFTER ACCUSATION,AND THAT I
WAS GOING IN YOUR ROOM WHILE YOU WERE AT
WORK.
I ALMOST KICKED YOUR ASS ONE NIGHT,OVER THAT SHIT!

BUT I DECIDED TO GET BACK WITH THE PRANK OF
ALL PRANKS. I CUT OPEN ONE OF THOSE SWEEPSTAKES
ENVELOPES, AND TYPED MY OWN LETTER IT LOOKED
VERY PROFESSIONAL. THIS IS WHERE IT GETS GOOD!

SHE GOT HER MAIL OUT THE BOX,I SAW HER
COMING UP THE STAIRS AND SAT OUT IN THE
LIVING ROOM JUST WAITING.

AS USUAL SHE CAME IN WITH A SNEER AND
A SHIT ASS ATTITUDE, SHE WALKED STRAIGHT
TO HER ROOM.I SAT IN THE LIVING ROOM
SIPPING MY VODKA OR WAS I CHUGGING
BEER...I FORGET.

AFTER A FEW MINUTES I HEARD THIS SCREAM,
SHE COMES RUNNING OUT HER ROOM SHOUTING
AND SCREAMING,SHE HAD WON 25,000 DOLLARS.
JUMPING UP AND DOWN IN THE HALL,I ALMOST
FELT BAD FOR A SECOND,BUT QUICKLY GOT
OVER THAT.

OH SHE HAD BIG PLANS TALKING MUCHO SHIT,
UNTIL I HAD TO CRUSH HER DREAMS.
I HAVE A CONSCIENCE, BUT THIS WITCH
DESERVED IT.
YEARS LATER SHE EMAILED ME, SHE HAS
A DIFFERENT LAST NAME. I ASSUME SOME
CRAZY MAN MARRIED THAT FOOL.
IT MUST HAVE NOT LASTED, SHE EMAILED
ASKING DID I HAVE A ROOM TO RENT?

YOU PSYCHO FREAK OF NATURE, I RATHER RENT TO
CHARLES MANSON,JEFFREY DAHMER,SON OF SAM,
RICHARD RAMIREZ,BTK,EVEN SATAN!...ARE YOU
KIDDING? I RATHER ROOM WITH HITLER!
MY ROOMATES MADE SINGLE WHITE FEMALE
LOOK LIKE A LOVE STORY...:(
WAIT UNTIL YOU HEAR ABOUT BROTHER AL,
YOU'LL NEVER WANT A ROOM MATE...

2009-01-11T17:00:00.000-08:00

LOVE & MARRIAGE...

I HAVE TWO WOMEN IN MY FAMILY, ONE HAS
BEEN MARRIED 4 TIMES,THE OTHER 3 TIMES.
I'M NOT NAMING NAMES BUT YOU KNOW WHO
YOU ARE. THE REASON YOU DIDN'T VOTE FOR
OBAMA IS BECAUSE YOU HATE BLACK MEN?

EVEN THOUGH YOU WERE MARRIED TO BLACK
MEN. LISTEN UP...YOU PICKED LOSERS, DON'T
COMPARE OBAMA TO YOUR DUMBASS,HUSBANDS.

EXCEPT MY DADDY HE WAS A WAR HERO,
GOOGLE, ALTON BEEKS.:)
THEY SAY BEHIND EVERY GOOD MAN IS A GOOD
WOMAN,SO MAYBE YOU NEED TO LOOK AT YOUR
SHORT COMINGS.

MOST OF THE TIME YOU SETTLED OUT OF LONELINESS
AND DESPERATION.
MY UNCLE BOB HAD A FAVORITE QUOTE,
"TO THYSELF BE TRUE",HE WAS A GOOD MAN.

THERE ARE GOOD BLACK MEN,MICHELLE FOUND ONE.
I GUESS THIS REALLY F**KS UP MY INHERITING
ANY MONEY,BECAUSE YA'LL CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH.
BUT QUOTING DORIS DAY, QUE SERA SERA...
I HAD TO PLAY LIKE AARON NEVILLE AND,
"TELL IT LIKE IT IS"...:)

2009-01-08T17:45:00.000-08:00

ARE YOU AN OLD FART?

Older Than Dirt Quiz
Count all the ones that you remember- not the ones you were told about!Ratings at the bottom
Blackjack chewing gum
Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water
Candy cigarettes
Soda pop machines that dispensed bottle
Coffee shops with tableside jukeboxes
Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers
Party lines
Newsreels before the movie
P.F. Flyers
Butch wax
Telephone numbers with a word prefix (Olive - 6933)
Peashooters
Howdy Doody
45 RPM records
S&H Green Stamps
Hi-fi's
Metal ice trays with lever
Mimeograph paper
Blue flashbulb
Packards
Roller skate keys
Cork popguns
Drive-ins
Studebakers
Wash tub wringers
Using hand signals for cars without turn signals
Pant leg clips for bicycles without chain guards
If you remembered 0-5 = You're still young
If you remembered 6-10 = You are getting older
If you remembered 11-15 = Don't tell your age
If you remembered 16-25 = You're older than dirt!
Don't forget to pass this along

HA,HA I'M STILL YOUNG!
I MAY NOT REMEMBER SOME DUE
TO AN ABUSIVE CHILDHOOD.
NOT TO WORRY, I WAS THE ONE
DOING THE ABUSE.;) GAWD I COULDN'T
STAND SNAILS SO I WOULD POUR SALT
ON THEM AND THEY WOULD MELT.
HEY! ALL THE KIDS WERE DOING IT,
DON'T JUDGE ME, I WAS A NORMAL KID.:)

SOME CAUGHT FIRE FLIES,SOME CAUGHT
BUTTERFLIES AND PUT THEM IN A JAR
UNTIL THEY DIED.SOME SADISTIC KIDS
WOULDN'T PUNCH HOLES IN THE TOP.
WHICH MADE THE JAR A DEATH CHAMBER.

DON'T LET ME GET STARTED ON THE NERDS
WHO IMPRISONED ANTS, AND CALLED IT A FARM...

SOME OF US KIDS LIKE TO WATCH SNAILS
MELT,IT WAS FASINATING...
THAT MUST MAKE THE FRENCH
SHUTTER...ESCARGOT MY ASS! YA'LL NASTY.

I STAY YOUNG BY RUNNING AROUND
WITH DRUG DEALERS. THE MAYHEM,
TORTURE AND THREATS KEEPS
YOU ON YOUR TOES.

BESIDES, YOU CROSS DOWNTOWN
MR. BIG BROWN,AND YOU'LL BE
6FT UNDERGROUND.:(

2009-01-06T19:25:00.000-08:00

THAT'S OKAY,THAT'S OKAY, THAT' S OKAY!

WELL BY THE CONVERSATIONS I'VE
HAD DURING THE HOLIDAYS, WITH MY
RICH REALATIVES,I'M NOT
GOING TO GET A GOT DAMN THING!

I THINK IT'S CALLED TOUGH LOVE,I DON'T
LIKE TOUGH LOVE, IT'S TOO TOUGH...:(

I KISS SO MUCH ASS AND WHERE DID IT
GET ME ,NO WHERE GOT DAMN IT!

I EVEN TOLD THEM HOW MUCH I LOVED
THEM, WHEN I WAS THINKING HOW
COULD I GET AWAY WITH MURDER,
WITHOUT THAT DAMN CSI COLD BUSTING ME.
THEY'RE SOME SMART BASTARDS...

I'M CAUGHT BETWEEN A ROCK & A HARD PLACE,
AND I'M GETTING SQUISHED BUT,
THAT'S OKAY'THAT'S OKAY,THAT'S OKAY!
IT'S A MANTRA AND IT WORKS FOR ME...
DON'T CRY FOR ME ARGENTINA!

I WILL GET WHAT I DESERVE ONE WAY OR
ANOTHER...OH GAWD! DID I JUST SAY THAT?...

2009-01-04T14:45:00.000-08:00

SISTERS...OI VEY!

I'M THE YOUNGEST OF 2 SISTERS,
HOW DID I END UP BEING THE THE
NORMAL ONE?ONE VOTED FOR HILLARY
IN THE PRIMARY YES SHE LIVES
IN NEW YORK CITY SHE CALLS TO BRAG
ABOUT HER OBAMA NIGHTLIGHT,I HAVE LIKE 7
AUTOGRAPHS AND SHE'S EXCITED ABOUT
A NIGHTLIGHT.

THE OTHER ONE CALLS
ASKING DID HER THOUGHTFUL GIFTS SHE
BOUGHT ON QVC HAD ARRIVED.

I TOLD HER THAT QVC HAD PUT
THE WRONG ADDRESS AND WE
DIDN'T GET IT.I CALLED HER BACK
AND SHE WAS BUSY TALKING TO 3 PEOPLE.
I'LL CALL YOU BACK.

THIS EPISODE BROUGHT BACK PAINFUL MEMORIES.
WHEN I WAS A TEENAGER, I WAS GOING THROUGH
A BROKEN HEART FAZE.
I CALLED HER TO TALK ABOUT IT, AND SHE DIDN'T
WANT TO TALK TO ME...YEA I WAS HAMMERED.

THAT WASN'T AN EXCUSE FOR HER TO DISS ME,
I RANTED AND RAVED AND TOLD MOM I WAS GOING
TO KILL HER.
MOM TOLD ME SHE'S BUSY, SHE HAS 5 KIDS.
I COUNTERED BACK WELL, I'M HER BABY SISTER
SHE SHOULD BE THERE FOR ME.

I DON'T KNOW WHY I WENT BERSERK, MAYBE
IT HAD SOMETHING TO DO WITH THE BOOMSFARM
APPLE WINE AND OTHER CHEMICALS.

WE HAVE A GREAT REALATIONSHIP NOW, SHE LIVES
ACROSS THE COUNTRY AND WE GET ALONG FINE.
AS LONG AS I GET A WARNING THAT'S SHE'S CALLING,
I'LL SHOOT UP WHAT I HAVE TO SHOOT UP, DRINK
WHAT I HAVE TO DRINK AND SMOKE WHAT I HAVE TO SMOKE.
THEN AND ONLY THEN CAN WE TALK.
I'M NOT SURE BUT I THINK SHE PREPARES HERSELF
BY TAKING THE 3 V'S... VALIUM,VICODIN&VODKA.

WE BOTH REALIZE THAT IF WE TALK TO EACH OTHER
LONGER THAN 5 MINUTES,OUR HEADS WILL EXPLODE...:)

2008-12-30T14:00:00.000-08:00

THE EMAILS I GET...
THEM-YOU WANT TO ENLARGE YOUR PENIS?
WE CAN SHOW YOU HOW,CLICK HERE.

ME-EXCUSE ME,BUT THE 10 INCH STRAP ON
I BOUGHT IS WORKING OUT JUST FINE.
I COULDN'T GET ANY BIGGER OR I WOULD SPLIT
THEM IN HALF,BUT THANKS ANYWAY.

THEM-WANNA MEET? I'M AN ANGEL FACE SHEMALE
VERY LOVELY AND A STUNNING BEAUTY.I LIKE TO
BE KINKY,NASTY,NAUGHTY,SEXY. OVER MY SCREEN
CAME A HELLO,HOW ARE YOU?

ME-WELL IT WASN'T ME THAT'S FOR DAMN SURE.
AS MUCH AS I ADMIRE YOUR TRAITS, I'M GOING
TO HAVE TO PASS ON THIS.
I WOULDN'T KNOW IF I SHOULD BE THE CATCHER
OR PITCHER,THE BANGER OR THE BANGEE...I'M CONFUSED.
I'M FLATTERED THOUGH...MAYBE IN ANOTHER LIFETIME.

THEM-MICHELE I CAN GUARANTEE WITH MY SYSTEM
YOU CAN MAKE THOUSANDS JUST USING YOUR COMPUTER
FROM HOME, IN YOUR PAJAMAS.

ME-HEY! I HAVE 2 VERY RICH REALATIVES, I CAN SIT
IN FRONT OF MY COMPUTER IN MY PJ'S AND GOOGLE,ARE THEY
DEAD YET, ARE THEY DEAD YET,ARE THEY DEAD YET AND
AM I IN THE WILL?
IF THAT DOESN'T WORK OUT, THEN I'LL TRY IT YOUR WAY,
DAMN! I FEEL LIKE CAMPBELL'S...POSSIBILITIES!:)

SPECIAL NOTE:
MY BELOVED REALATIVES I'M JUST KIDDING,I'M NOT
IN THE LEAST BIT INTERESTED IN YOUR MONEY.
REALLY...NO REALLY...OH YOU DON'T BELIEVE ME EH?

I'LL PROVE TO YOU I DON'T CARE, TRY SENDING ME
A MILLION DOLLARS,I'LL SEND IT BACK. OH! NOW
YOU THINK I'M A LIAR? TRY ME,TRY ME,TRY ME.
I DOUBLE DARE YOU!

YOU GUYS MAY HAVE MONEY, BUT I HAVE...THINKING
...THINKING...STILL THINKING...GAWD MY HEAD HURTS
IT HAPPENS WHEN I THINK TOO MUCH.
I'M GOING TO HAVE TO SLEEP ON THIS,
BUT I HAVE SOMETHING GOT DAMNIT!

BESIDES MONEY"CAN'T BUY YOU LOVE" THE BEATLES
SAID IT, SO IT MUST BE TRUE...SO THERE!:)

2008-12-28T14:10:00.000-08:00

STILL BITCHING,ABOUT CHRISTMAS GIFTS...

I'M TRYING REAL HARD TO WEAR MY BIG
GIRL PANTIES BUT IT'S NOT EASY.
I KNOW WE'RE LIVING IN A TOUGH
ECONOMY,BUT DAMN THIS IS THE TIME
TO PULL TOGETHER AS A FAMILY
AND GET ME WHAT I WANTED.
YOU EVER HEARD OF SACRIFICE PEOPLE?

A NEW COMPUTER WOULD HAVE BEEN NICE OR
AN iPHONE 3G,BUT I GET A BUNCH OF BULLSHIT.:(
JUST REMEMBER,WHAT GOES AROUND COMES
AROUND AND PAYBACKS A MUTHA!

I'M MAKING MY CHRISTMAS LIST NOW FOR NEXT YEAR,
AND DAMN SKIPPY I'M CHECKING IT TWICE.
SOME WILL GET SWEATERS THAT ARE 2 SIZES TO SMALL,
DON'T YOU HATE IT WHEN THAT HAPPENS?

SOME OF YOU WILL GET THAT LITTLE PET YOU CAN'T LIVE
WITHOUT...THAT'S RIGHT A CHIA PET.
IT'S THE THOUGHT RIGHT?

FOR MY REALATIVES OVER 40,I SEE DEPENDS AND
A CLAPPER UNDER YOUR TREE.
I STILL WILL RESPECT THE ELDERLY.:)

THE REST OF YOU WILL GET YOUR PRESENTS FROM
THE 99cent STORE,IT MIGHT BE A PACK OF PENS THAT
WON'T WRITE THE NEXT DAY. OR YOU COULD END UP
WITH A NICE MERLOT MADE WITH LIGHTER FLUID
AND COW URINE...18% BABY BABY!
YOU'LL HAVE A GREAT TIME YOU JUST WON'T
REMEMBER IT.

YOU'LL THROW UP A FEW ORGANS, BUT THAT'S
THE PRICE YOU PAY,WHEN YOU GIVE ME THINGS
LIKE A BOX OF PREZELS... ARE YOU SERIOUS?
YOU MIGHT AS WELL GAVE ME A BAG OF PEANUTS.

SOMEBODY GAVE ME A BASKET, IT WAS PRETTY,
BUT GOT DAMN! DUMBASS, NEXT TIME PUT
SOMETHING IN IT.
I HAD TO ACT LIKE I WAS GRACIOUS BECAUSE
I HAVE CLASS, BUT I REALLY WANTED
TO SHOVE IT UP YOUR ASS...

DAMN! IT WAS LIKE GETTING AN EMPTY BOX,FOR
CHRISTMAS.:(

2008-12-25T14:15:00.000-08:00

COMPLAINT DEPARTMENT,AND I DEMAND
SATISFACTION!

I HATE BEING A BITCH ON CHRISTMAS,
BUT ONCE AGAIN I DIDN'T GET WHAT I WANTED.
GOT DAMN IT! I WAS A GOOD GIRL THIS YEAR.

I KISSED MORE ASS THAN HILLARY DID IN THE
PRIMARY. I TOLD PEOPLE THEY WERE LOOKING
GOOD WHEN THEY LOOKED LIKE DEATH WARMED OVER.

I TOLD STUPID PEOPLE THAT THEY WEREN'T STUPID
THEY JUST NEEDED TO GO BACK TO SCHOOL.

I TOLD MOTHERS THAT THEIR BABIES WERE CUTE,
WHEN INSIDE I WAS THINKING WHO DID YOU F##k
TO CREATE THAT!

I EVEN EMAILED WHOOPIE GOLDBERG THAT I THOUGHT
SHE WAS A VERY BEAUTIFUL WOMAN.

I EMAILED GEORGE BUSH AND TOLD HIM THAT I THOUGHT
HE WAS THE GREATEST PRESIDENT OF ALL TIME.

I STOPPED USING THE WORD STUPID IN FRONT OF
MY NIECES KIDS. SHE HAS TAUGHT THEM THAT IT'S
A BAD WORD.
EVEN THOUGH I DON'T AGREE, IT'S NOT A BAD WORD
IT'S JUST NOT A NICE WORD...AND IF YOU CALL SOMEBODY
STUPID YOU MIGHT GET YOUR ASS KICKED. IT'S NOT
A BAD WORD, HELL YOU HAVE A LOT OF STUPID
PEOPLE AND TO NOT RECOGNIZE THAT, WELL YOU'RE
LIVING IN A MAKE BELIEVE WORLD.

I'VE HEARD SPONGEBOB AND JUDGE MATHIS USE
THE WORD STUPID...NOW WHAT CHERYL?
BOY OH BOY I BETTER NOT USE MY FAVORITE
CURSE WORDS,LIKE F##K YOU ,YOU MOTHER F##KIN
SHIT HEAD SON OF A BITCH DICK HEAD.

I HAVE A FEELING IF I TALKED THAT WAY IN
FRONT OF AARON & KEVIN,I WOULD END UP CALLING 911,
BECAUSE SHE WOULD HAVE A HEART ATTACK. THEY'RE
5&6 THEY KNOW CURSE WORDS EVEN NEW ONES THAT
I DON'T KNOW...WTF?

YES SIR REE BOB, I'VE BEEN GOOD THIS YEAR.
I GUESS IT'S ASKING TOO MUCH FOR PEOPLE
WHO LOVE ME AND ADORE ME ENOUGH
TO CHIP IN TO BUY ME A MANSION.
ALL YOU PEOPLE DO IS JUST THINK ABOUT YOURSELVES.

TO MY RICH SISTER IN SOUTH CAROLINA...GROWING UP
YOU OWE ME MONEY FOR ALL THAT BABYSITTING,
I LOVE 'EM BUT YOUR KIDS ARE THE REASON I NEVER
HAD KIDS.

TO MY 3RD OR 5TH COUSIN MARIAH YEA THAT ONE!
YOU OWE ME BECAUSE MY MOTHER BABYSITTED
YOUR FATHER. PLUS I WROTE A SONG CALLED
"HEARTBREAKER" YEARS BEFORE YOU WROTE YOURS.
YOU STOLE IT...YOU HAD A "VISION OF LOVE" MY ASS!

I'VE BENT OVER BACKWARDS,AS FAR
AS THIS FAMILY IS CONCERNED,
AND THAT POSITION HAS
ALWAYS GOTTEN ME IN TROUBLE,WHEN WILL
I LEARN?:(

AS OF NOW YOU'RE ALL OUT OF MY WILL,I'M LEAVING
MY JAR OF QUARTERS & MY OBAMA COLLECTION &
MY ALBUMS TO SOMEONE WHO WILL
APPRECIATE THEM.
KARL THE WINO WHO LIVES IN BACK OF THE
LIQUOR STORE...I'M ALL ABOUT GIVING SOMEONE
THE GLAMOROUS LIFE...YOU ROCK SHEILA E.!

I'LL DO OKAY ,I HAVE IT FROM A SOURCE THAT
I WILL WIN THE LOTTERY SOON...AND THIS SOURCE
PREDICTED THAT OBAMA WOULD WIN, SO IT'S VERY
RELIABLE.IT'S A COUSIN OF A FRIENDS
NEPHEW WHO WAS ONCE MARRIED TO A THIRD
COUSINS AUNTIE WHO WAS RELATED TO ABRAHAMS
BROTHER.IT'S TOTALLY BIBLICAL.:)

AFTER I WIN YOU PEOPLE WILL NOT BE
ABLE TO CONTACT ME, FOR SOME REASON RICH PEOPLE
BECOME INACCESSIBLE.CONVIENTLY MAYBE,
BUT NEVER THE LESS, IT WON'T BE ANY DIFFERENT
WITH ME... BUT KEEP TRYING,YOU MIGHT GET LUCKY,
JENNY MIGHT HAVE MY NUMBER BUT I THINK THAT
NUMBER IS DISCONNECTED.

YOU CAN TRY IT FOR YOURSELF, AS I REMEMBER, IT WAS
867-5309...:)

2008-12-24T21:30:00.000-08:00

----------------------I HAVE
--------------------COME HERE
-------------------TO WISH YOU
-----------------MERRY CHRISTMAS
----------------AND ALSO , A HAPPY
----------------NEW YEAR TO YOU FOR
-------------- 2009...... I HOPE THE NEW
--------------YEAR BRINGS YOU LOAD OF
-------------HAPPINESS AND GOOD HEALTH.
------------I HOPE YOU HAVE A NICE DAY ON
-----------CHRISTMAS DAY, FILLED WITH LOTS OF
--------- FAMILY TIME AND OF COURSE EATING
---------LOTS OF NICE FOODS, AND CANDIES. I HOPE
--------THAT SANTA IS GOOD TO YOU AS WELL AND HE
---- BRINGS YOU LOTS OF PRESENTS ON CHRISTMAS DAY.
_________________ XXXXXXXX
_________________ XXXXXXXX
_________________ XXXXXXXX
_________________ XXXXXXXX
_________________ XXXXXXXX

2008-12-23T22:45:00.000-08:00

MY CHRISTMAS WISH LIST...
1. A MANSION... I NEED A SERIOUS CRIB,
HOTTIES ARE SO GOT DAMN DEMANDING!

2. A HARLEY... I NEED TO FEEL THE WIND
BLOWING IN MY HAIR, WHAT'S LEFT OF IT.

3. A JAGUAR, JUST BECAUSE...I DESERVE IT
I PAYED MY DUES...I'VE HAD MY SHARE OF
HOOPTIES!

4.A BFF, SORRY PARIS YOU'RE A BIT MUCH,
EVENTUALLY I WOULD STAB YOU IN THE BACK.

5.LAST BUT NOT LEAST...A PIECE ON EARTH,
I MEAN PEACE ON EARTH...:)

2008-12-21T12:05:00.000-08:00

ALCOHOL & HAIRSTYLES A GREAT COMBINATION...

I WAS IN A RUT, I ALWAYS WORE
THE SAME STYLE DAY AFTER DAY.
THEN ONE DAY,I HAD BEEN DRINKING
CELEBRATING CHRISTMAS,I START EARLY
DECEMBER 1ST.:)

WHEN NIGHT CAME I WAS SO DAMN SLEEPY
I COULDN'T STAND IT.
I DIDN'T FEEL LIKE ROLLING UP MY HAIR,BUT
I KNEW I HAD TO,OR I WOULD WAKE UP LOOKING
LIKE A COMBINATION OF BUCKWHEAT & DON KING
IN THE MORNING.

SO I MANAGED TO ROLL IT UP,THEN FELL INTO
A DEEP SLEEP,ONLY TO WAKE UP AND VISIT
THE PORCELAIN THRONE. I THINK I THREW UP
AN ORGAN I NEEDED AND WENT BACK TO SLEEP.
ARE YOU A ORGAN DONOR?
IF NOT BECOME ONE...YOU COULD SAVE A LIFE,
BUT I DIGRESS.

MORNING COMES AND I HAVE TO MAKE A FEW RUNS,
SO I START TAKING THE CURLERS OUT.
I HAD CURLS GOING THIS WAY AND THAT WAY,
BUT I DIDN'T CARE I WAS SICK.
I MADE MY RUNS AND DAMN,I GOT COMPLIMENTS
ON MY NEW HAIR STYLE...WTF?

I CAME BACK HOME HAPPY THAT I RECEIVED A FEW
COMPLIMENTS,THEN WENT AND LOOKED IN
THE MIRROR AGAIN. HEY! IT WAS KICKING AND
CERTAINLY DIFFERENT,I FELT LIKE
A NEW PERSON.

I KNOW THE HAIRSTYLIST SECRETS, GET
DRUNK AND GO FOR IT. MICHELLE OBAMA I
CAN GIVE YOU THE BOMB STYLE FOR THE
INAUGURATION 1-20-09,AS LONG AS
YOU'RE BUYING. I PREFER A NICE
CABERNET SAUVIGNON,BUT IN A PINCH
I THINK MAD DOG 20/20 WILL WORK
JUST AS WELL...CALL ME.;)

2008-12-17T18:00:00.000-08:00

ARE YOU A CERTIFIED ASSHOLE?
TAKE THE TEST @
www.electricpulp.com/guykawasaki/arse/

DAMNIT ALL! I'M A BORDERLINE CERTIFIED
ASSHOLE,ME THE SWEETEST PERSON ON
EARTH? I THINK EVERYONE HAS A LITTLE
ASSHOLE IN THEM,LITERALLY & FIGURATIVELY.

I HOPE I STILL GET TO HEAVEN, I DON'T THINK
ASSHOLES GO TO HEAVEN. I CAN CHANGE
"YES I CAN",AFTER ALL I'M A BORDERLINE
ASSHOLE. :)

I JUST NEED A SOUL TUNE-UP, AND ONE OF THOSE
THINGS...I FORGET WHAT IT'S CALLED,
OH YEA! A CONSCIENCE.

2008-12-14T14:45:00.000-08:00

I USE TO BE A GREAT INVENTOR
BUT SNEAKY BASTARDS STOLE MY IDEAS.

I INVENTED WHAT I CALLED THE PHONE
MUFFLER. YOU PUT THE TALKING END
INSIDE THIS DEVICE I MADE OF CORK AND
RUBBER. SO THE OTHER PERSON COULDN'T
HEAR YOU ON THE OTHER END.
THEN GOT DAMNIT! THE HOLD BUTTON/MUTE
BUTTON CAME ALONG.

I INVENTED THE ROLL DOWN MAP FOR THE CAR,
IT ATTACHED TO THE DASHBOARD.
WHAT POPS UP THAT F**KEN GPS SYSTEM.

I INVENTED INSTANT COFFEE, AS A CHILD I BOILED
WATER PUT SOME GROUNDS IN A CHEESE CLOTH,
AND PORED HOT WATER OVER IT...WALLA! INSTANT COFFEE.
THEN FREEZE DRIED COFFEE CRYSTALS COMES ALONG,
WTF?

I STILL HAVE HIGH HOPES OF COMING UP WITH A GREAT IDEA.
I'M WORKING ON AN INVENTION THAT WOULD LET ME KNOW
WHEN AN ASSHOLE IS AROUND ME. OH SNAP! THAT'S CALLED
INSTINCT...WELL BACK TO THE DRAWING BOARD.

2008-12-07T10:40:00.000-08:00

OBAMA 24/7
OKAY, I'M OBSESSED WITH COLLECTING
EVERYTHING OBAMA. I HAVE OBAMA SODA,
BEER,COFFEE,(it's great too),HOT SAUCE
(it's made with habanero peppers)
IT MAKES YOU CRY BUT IT'S SO DAMN GOOD!

I ALSO HAVE A COUPLE OF OBAMA COFFEE
MUGS WITH THE WHOLE FAMILY ON IT.
JUST SO I CAN WAKE UP IN THE MORNING AND
SAY, I'VE HAD COFFEE WITH THE PRESIDENT.

WE'RE WORKING ON A PLAN THAT WILL RID
THE COUNTRY OF STUPID PEOPLE.
MY GAWD! IT'S AN EPIDEMIC,THEY'RE EVERYWHERE!
IT WILL BE A LONELY EXISTENCE WITH JUST
A FEW OF US LEFT, BUT WE HAVE TO TAKE THESE
STEPS NOW,FOR THE SAKE OF THE COUNTRY!

I KNOW IT MAY SEEM I'M DELUSIONAL AND PATHETIC,
BUT I CAN CHANGE...YES I CAN!
HEY! FOR NOW IT FLOATS MY BOAT.

EXCUSE ME, IT'S COFFEE TIME AND THE PRESIDENT ELECT
WANTS TO MEET WITH ME...:)

2008-12-02T17:45:00.000-08:00

LET'S PEEK INSIDE THE OBAMA'S BEDROOM...
MARVIN GAYE'S "LET'S GET IT ON" IS
PLAYING.

OBAMA- WHISPERING IN HER EAR
WHO'S YOUR PRESIDENT?

MICHELLE-YOU ARE DADDY...
(HEAVY BREATHING)

OBAMA-I SAID WHO'S YOUR PRESIDENT?

MICHELLE- OH MY GAWD! YOU ARE DADDY...
(VERY HEAVY BREATHING)

OBAMA- WHO'S ALWAYS GOING TO BE YOUR
PRESIDENT, DO YOU LOVE THE PRESIDENT?

MICHELLE- OH I LOVE THE PRESIDENT,
(HOT MONKEY LOVE BREATHING)

OBAMA- SHOW ME HOW MUCH YOU LOVE
THE PRESIDENT...

MICHELLE- OKAY DADDY! I MEAN, MR. PRESIDENT...

THE END.
I GOTTA GO...:)

2008-12-01T14:00:00.000-08:00

PRESIDENT OBAMA...
THE REACTIONS ON THE STREETS
THROUGH THE EYES OF THE COOL...

BLACKS -ARE ON CLOUD NINE, THAT'S
EXPECTED,AND THEY DESERVE TO BE.

RACIST WHITES- CAN'T BELIEVE IT, EVERY
MORNING THEY WAKE UP AND PRAY TO DIE
THAN FOR A BLACK MAN TO BE THEIR PRESIDENT.
HEY! YOU HAD 43 PRESIDENTS CAN'T WE HAVE 1
YOU DUMBASS WIPES.
YOU'RE THE TYPE OF JACKASSES WHO WOULD
RE-ELECT BUSH AGAIN IF HE COULD DO A 3RD TERM.

ASIANS-I GOT NOTHING, I NEVER BEEN ABLE TO READ
THEM. ALL I KNOW IS THEY WILL GIVE YOU A BIG SMILE
WHEN YOU'RE HANDING OVER YOUR MONEY.

MEXICANS,HISPANICS WHATEVER,YOU VOTED
FOR HILLARY IN THE PRIMARY,YET HE STILL WON.
THEY ARE PISSED OFF! LA RAZA THIS...
YOU LIKE THE REST OF THE WORLD BELIEVED
THE HYPE ABOUT BLACK PEOPLE BEING BAD.
THE MAJORITY OF BLACK PEOPLE AREN'T
GANG MEMBERS. DON'T JUDGE PEOPLE BY
MAURY,WHO THE BABY DADDY OR JERRY SPRINGER
THOSE ARE OUR LOW LIFES. THEY ARE A MINORITY
WITHIN A MINORITY,AND EVERY RACE HAS THAT.

YOU THOUGHT YOU WERE BETTER BECAUSE THE WHITE
MAN HIRED YOU OVER BLACKS. THE TRUE REASON HE
HIRED YOU IS BECAUSE OF YOUR CHEAP MANUAL LABOR,
NOT BECAUSE YOU'RE INTELLECTS. THERE'S A REASON
YOU'VE NEVER BEEN ON JEOPARDY...DUH!

WHEN I WORKED AT AT&T I WAS TRANSFERRED TO
ANOTHER DEPARTMENT, TO LEARN A NEW PROGRAM.
THIS MEXICAN DUDE SAT IN BACK OF ME TEACHING ME
WHAT TO DO. HE ALSO LIKED TO TELL ME HOW MEXICANS
WERE GOING TO TAKE OVER. I DIDN'T WANT TO HEAR THAT
CRAP, I JUST WANTED TO LEARN THE NEW PROGRAM.

JOSE,MANUEL,ALDOLFO I FORGOT YOUR NAME,
BUT I DO BELIEVE YOU NEED A NEW CRYSTAL BALL.
SCROLL DOWN TO THE END AND TRY MINE,IT'S BEEN
PRETTY ACCURATE. IF YOU ASK IT WILL
THERE EVER BE A HISPANIC PRESIDENT AND
IT SAYS YES,EMAIL ME BECAUSE IT'S BROKE
SI SENIOR.:)

2008-11-27T11:00:00.000-08:00

HAPPY THANKSGIVING...
TO MY SWEETIE ON THE EAST COAST,
AND TO ALL OF THOSE WHO LOVE ME.

THAT SHOULD COVER EVERYONE.:)

2008-11-24T14:43:00.000-08:00

CO-WORKERS
THE REASON I HATE WORK.

THOSE BACKSTABBING,SMILE IN YOUR FACE
BASTARDS! WHERE DO I BEGIN?
MY FIRST JOB WE ALL HAD LOCKERS,
AND SOMEONE STOLE MY LEATHER JACKET.
WE GAVE EACH OTHER GREAT CHRISTMAS
GIFTS...FOR CRYING OUT LOUD.
MOM GAVE IT TO ME FOR CHRISTMAS, IT WAS
SPECIAL, SHE USUALLY GAVE ME 5 BUCKS
AND TOLD ME HOW LUCKY I WAS TO GET THAT.
I THOUGHT I WAS SO COOL WHEN I WORE
THAT JACKET, WE WERE ONE.
DON'T WORRY I STILL GREW UP TO BE COOL..

AND THE IN-BETWEENS WEREN'T PRETTY.
RECORD SHOP MANAGER, THE GUY COULDN'T PAY
ME AND TOLD ME I COULD HAVE ALL THE STOCK.
THEN CALLED THE POLICE AND SAID I STOLE THE STUFF.

MOVIE EXTRA,IT WAS FUN FOR A WHILE, UNTIL
SIDNEY POITIER CRUSHED MY SPIRIT.THEY HAD TO RESHOOT
BUT I WASN'T THE ONLY ONE WITH A BIG MOUTH.
YET HE DIRECTED HIS ANGER TOWARD ME. MAYBE
BECAUSE MY BROTHER IN LAW WAS ASSISTANT DIRECTOR
AND FIGURED I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN BETTER.
I COULD HAVE BEEN A STAR...THANKS SIDNEY
YOU POMPOUS BASTARD...

COURIER, I WENT A LOT OF PLACES AND MET A
LOT OF GREAT PEOPLE INCLUDING MUHAMMAND ALI,
COUNCILMEN,GOVERNORS,AND ONE TIME I SAW
MORGAN FAIRCHILD WITHOUT MAKE UP
AT A MOVIE STUDIO...IT WASN'T PRETTY.
GOOD LORD! IT MADE ME WONDER HOW
JACLYN SMITH LOOKED WITHOUT
MAKEUP...I HAD A GIRL CRUSH ON HER.

MY LAST STINT WAS AT AT&T IN 2000,
TALK ABOUT CUT THROATS.
THERE WAS MR. BRIEFCASE WHO HAD A
DESK NEXT TO MINE.
A COUPLE OF CO WORKERS SAID HE MADE
A NASTY COMMENT ABOUT ME.

THE WEEK BEFORE HE WAS SHOWING
EVERYONE HIS WEDDING PICTURES.
WHEN I FOUND OUT WHAT HE SAID ABOUT
ME IT WAS ON...
I TOLD PEOPLE HOW KIND I WAS LOOKING
AT HIS WEDDING PICTURES,WHEN I WAS
THINKING HIS WIFE LOOKS LIKE A GORILLA
IN A WEDDING DRESS.

HOPING IT WOULD GET BACK TO HIM, HE QUIT
OR GOT FIRED. HE CAME IN ONE DAY TO PICK UP
HIS LAST CHECK. I WAS TALKING TO A CUSTOMER
WHEN HE WALKED BY,I PUT THEM ON HOLD AND
LET LOOSE MY TRUCK DRIVER POTTY MOUTH. I COULD
HAVE SHOVED THAT BRIEFCASE UP HIS ASS.
I THINK I TOLD HIM HOW MANY WAYS HE COULD
F##K HIMSELF. ANYWAY HE APPOLOGIZED FOR
WHAT HE SAID,AND THAT WAS THE END.

I KIND OF FELT BAD SAYING HIS WIFE LOOKED
LIKE A GORILLA IN A WEDDING DRESS, IT'S
NOT LIKE I WAS LYING,WELL SHE DID...
I WANTED SO BAD TO TELL HIM TO TELL MAGILLA
I SAID HI,BUT LIKE I SAID HE APPOLOGIZED.

DUDE I FORGOT YOUR NAME,NOTHING'S WRONG
WITH HOT MONKEY LOVE,I BET YOUR KIDS
ARE GOOD AT CLIMBING. AND I HOPE YOU AND
MRS. MAGILLA ARE LIVING HAPPILY EVER AFTER...:)

2008-11-18T20:16:00.000-08:00

THINGS I'M GOOD AT...

????????????????????
I'M THINKING...?????
GOT DAMNIT! I'M STILL THINKING ??????
SCRATCHING HEAD...
OH YEA, I KNOW HOW TO...NO THAT DIDN'T WORK OUT.
BUT I REALLY KNOW HOW TO...
NO THAT DIDN'T WORK OUT EITHER.

I MUST HAVE SOME TALENT, OH YEA,
I CAN GET ON YOUR NERVES IN A NEW YORK MINUTE.
I CAN RUN YOUR BLOOD PRESSURE UP SO HIGH,
THAT YOU'LL QUALIFY FOR DISABILITY. HEY IT'S AN
ART,BUT IT'LL COST YOU...NOTHING'S FREE IN THIS WORLD,
I HAVE REFERENCES...CALL ME.:)

2008-11-15T17:15:00.000-08:00

AM I BLUE...

I'M HAVING AN INNER EAR PROBLEM
AND SOMEONE SUGGESTED MESOSILVER.
IT'S LITERALLY SWALLOWING LIQUID SILVER IT'S
SUPPOSE TO BE LIKE AN ANTIBOTIC,AND HELPS
THE IMMUNE SYSTEM FIGHT INFECTION.
IT COST 29.95+S&H IT CAME TO 35.00. MY HMO
IS GOOGLE.

OPRAH HAD A SHOW ABOUT A GUY WHO DRANKED
LIQUID SILVER AND HIS SKIN TURNED BLUE,
BUT HE DID DRINK EXCESSIVE AMOUNTS.
GOT DAMNIT! TALK ABOUT RISKY BUSINESS...

I TELL YOU WHAT, IF MY CARMEL COLORED SKIN
TURNS BLUE,SOMEBODY'S IN BIG TROUBLE!
NOW THAT WE HAVE A BLACK PRESIDENT, I CANNOT
AFFORD TO TURN BLUE. WHAT WILL I BE SHOUTING
AT THE INAUGURATION...BLUE POWER?:(

2008-11-09T13:06:00.000-08:00

PROPOSITION 8...
THANKS A LOT YOU HOMOPHOBIC,JUDGEMENTAL,
SELF RIGHTEOUS BASTARDS,
YOU HAVE WRECKED BABYGIRLS PLANS.

FIRST I WAS GOING TO PERSUADE BEYONCE
TO LEAVE JAY-Z AND RUN AWAY WITH ME
AND GET MARRIED. AFTER I DRAINED HER
BANK ACCOUNT, I WAS MOVING ON TO HALLE BERRY,
AND AFTER HER MONEY WAS GONE, I WAS GOING
AFTER THE BIG O, YES OPRAH WINFREY.

SHE DOESN'T LOVE STEDMAN, AND YES I'VE
SEEN HER WITHOUT MAKEUP VIA THE COLOR PURPLE.
I COULD HANDLE IT,THAT'S WHAT LIGHT SWITCHES
AND SUNGLASSES ARE FOR...

NOW I HAVE TO PUT OFF MY PLANS AND GO
BACK TO RELYING ON THE LOTTERY, IT'S NOT FAIR!
WHY CAN'T I HAVE MY CAKE AND EAT IT TOO?:(

2008-11-04T12:20:00.000-08:00

MY PRESIDENT JUST WROTE ME A LETTER...

Michele -- I'm about to head to Grant Park to talk to everyone gathered there, but I wanted to write to you first. We just made history. And I don't want you to forget how we did it. You made history every single day during this campaign -- every day you knocked on doors, made a donation, or talked to your family, friends, and neighbors about why you believe it's time for change. I want to thank all of you who gave your time, talent, and passion to this campaign. We have a lot of work to do to get our country back on track, and I'll be in touch soon about what comes next. But I want to be very clear about one thing... All of this happened because of you. Thank you, Barack

Paid for by Obama for America
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YOU'RE WELCOME.:)

I'M EXCITED TO HAVE BEEN INVOLVED IN THE
NOMINATION OF THE FIRST BLACK PRESIDENT.
HOWEVER I'M ESTATIC AT THE FACT THAT
WE WILL HAVE A FIRST LADY NAMED MICHELLE.
WE ROCK!

2008-11-02T14:40:00.000-08:00

OH HAPPY DAY!
I JUST RECEIVED MY OBAMA/BIDEN T-SHIRT
TODAY AFTER A MONTH OF WAITING.
I WISH IT WASN'T WHITE, I'VE NEVER BEEN
ABLE TO WEAR ANYTHING WHITE WITHOUT
GETTING A STAIN ON IT.

I'M GOING TO TRY MY BEST TO KEEP IT STAIN FREE,
OH OH, I'M HAVING BARBEQUE RIBS TODAY WITH
THE BEST SAUCE IN THE WORLD(BIG BOB GIBSONS)
CORN ON THE COBB DRIPPING IN BUTTER,A SALAD
WITH RUSSIAN RED DRESSING AND CHOCOLATE
ICE CREAM FOR DESSERT.
THAT'S A LOT OF BULLETS TO DODGE.:(

UPDATE:
DAMN IT ALL! WHY DID I THINK THINGS WOULD
BE DIFFERENT THIS TIME? I COULDN'T PULL IT OFF,
IT COULDN'T HAVE BEEN THE 12 BEERS THAT I HAD
THAT WAS THE CAUSE OF SO MANY STAINS.
MY GAWD IT WAS LIKE I WAS A STAIN MAGNET.

I SWEAR OTHER PEOPLES STAINS JUMPED ON TO MY
WHITE TEE. I LIKE TO HUG JUST LIKE THE NEXT PERSON
I'M NOT A COLD HEARTED SNAKE, BUT WHEN SOMEONE
HAS A WHITE TEE ON BE CAREFUL.

I'VE COUNTED AT LEAST 5 STAINS THAT I CAN IDENTIFY.
BAR-B-QUE SAUCE
BUTTER
DIRT
CHOCOLATE ICE CREAM
LIPSTICK
LIPSTICK...WHAT! DID I GET MY FREAK ON,
DID I COME OUT THE CLOSET?
I DON'T REMEMBER...
DIRT...WHAT! WAS I PLAYING IN THE DIRT,
ACTING COUNTRY?
I DON'T REMEMBER...
I ONLY HAD 12 BEERS DAMN, DON'T TELL ME
I'VE REACHED THE AGE WHERE I CAN'T HANDLE
MY LIQUOR.:(

I DO REMEMBER HAVING A
CLOSE ENCOUNTER WITH A TREE.
OH GAWD, I DON'T EVEN WANT TO THINK OF THE
THINGS I MIGHT HAVE DONE.
DID I CLIMB IT?
DID I USE IT AS A TOILET?
WAS I TRYING TO CHOP IT DOWN BECAUSE IT WAS IN MY WAY?
WAS I HUGGING IT LIKE IT WAS MY MAIN SQEEZE?
I'LL NEVER KNOW UNLESS IT ENDS UP ON YOU TUBE...

2008-10-26T21:30:00.000-07:00

I USE TO BE WHITE!

YES I WAS A LIGHT SKINNED BLACK KID, THEY USE
TO CALL ME MELLOW YELLOW.
ONE DAY I CAME HOME FROM SCHOOL AND TOLD MY MOTHER
THAT MY TEACHER WAS WHITE LIKE US.

ALL I CAN REMEMBER IS MY MOTHER TREATING
ME, LIKE A DUMBASS FROM THAT DAY FORWARD.
I WAS AROUND 8 OR 9 MAYBE YOUNGER.

THIS BAD TEEN ROSA LIVED ACROSS THE STREET FROM US
AND SHE WAS SO BLACK SHE WAS BLUE.
ANYWAY I WAS A BOLD WHITE KID,SO I THOUGHT,
THAT CALLED HER BLACK, NOT THE N' WORD. SHE
TOOK OFF RUNNING AFTER ME LIKE I JUST KILLED
HER FAMILY. THANK GAWD BY THE TIME I CIRCLED
THE BLOCK I RAN INTO MOM WHO WAS ARRIVING
HOME FROM WORK.

SHE DOESN'T REALIZE TO THIS DAY
THAT SHE SAVED MY LIFE...ROSA WAS GETTING READY
TO GIVE ME A SERIOUS BEATDOWN.

I KNEW NOTHING OF THE N' WORD, UNTIL I GOT
OUT IN THE WORKING WORLD.
THANKS BOB,CHARLIE,BILL,DON,MYLA,HARRY,
BUD,RICHARD,JANET FOR KEEPING ME IN CHECK.
YOU NEVER FAILED TO REMIND ME THAT I WAS
A N####ER AND ACCORDING TO YOU SO WAS MUHAMMAD ALI,
OPRAH AND MARTIN LUTHER KING...I DIDN'T REALIZE I WAS IN
SUCH GREAT COMPANY.

I'VE GOTTEN A LITTLE DARKER I'M LIKE CARAMEL
COLORED NOW. I HAVE STOPPED USING THE TERMS
''GO BACK TO AFRICA", AND "THOSE PEOPLE"
AND STOPPED GIVING A BLACK FAMILY WHO
MOVES INTO THE NEIGHBORHOOD A BUCKET OF
FRIED CHICKEN AS A HOUSE WARMING GIFT.

IT'S OBVIOUS THAT MY MOTHER DROPPED ME ON MY
HEAD WHEN I WAS A BABY OR THREW ME AGAINST THE WALL.
I WAS A BREAST FED BABY AND SHE COMPLAINS TO THIS DAY
THAT I DIDN'T WANT TO GIVE IT UP(that explains a lot)
AND HOW I WOULD CRY.
SHE PROBABLY GOT SICK OF MY CRYING, AND THREW
ME AGAINST THE WALL. SUE ME I WAS A THIRSTY KID
AND NOW I'M A THIRSTY ADULT.

I SAW MY SISTER THROW ONE OF HER KIDS ACROSS THE
ROOM ,SO IT RUNS IN MY FAMILY.POOR YANCY HIS
HEAD HIT THE STEREO,THAT'S ALL I REMEMBER.
I PROBABLY RAN OUT TO PLAY,WHILE MY NEPHEW
WAS LAYING IN A POOL OF BLOOD.
OH YEA, I WAS WHITE DURING THOSE DAYS,
AND DIDN'T WANT TO BE CAUGHT UP IN NEGROS
PROBLEMS.

POSTING THIS JUST IN CASE I GET SENILE,
WHO WOULD WANT TO FORGET SUCH PRECIOUS
CHILDHOOD MEMORIES?

BREAKING NEWS:
MY MOTHER HAS TOLD ME FOR A LONG
TIME THAT I HAVE IRISH IN ME. I DIDN'T
WANT TO BELIEVE IT, THEY'RE NUTS!
(However it explains a lot)

THE FACT THAT I COULDN'T BE WEENED OFF
OF BREAST MILK IN A TIMELY FASHION, AND
NOW I HAVE IRISH BLOOD RUNNING THROUGH MY
VEINS. I NEED SOMEONE TO SPRINKLE SOME HOLY
WATER ON ME...AND E.T. THOUGHT HE HAD PROBLEMS,
SHOULD I CONTACT THE MAZAWIS OR THE McDOUGLES,
HOW IN THE F##k AM I GOING TO PHONE HOME?:(

2008-10-19T15:45:00.000-07:00

ANAL SEX:

I'M NOT A PRUDE BUT I DON'T GET ANAL SEX,
ESPECIALLY STICKING YOUR TONGUE UP IN THERE.
I HEARD IT THROUGH THE GRAPEVINE, THAT YOU'RE
GOING TO GO THROUGH BOTTLES OF LISTERINE,AND
MAYBE SOME ANTI-BIOTICS, FOR WEEKS MAYBE EVEN
MONTHS...NEVER TASTE A BEHIND BEFORE IT'S TIME
AND I DON'T KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS.

ANDREW ZIMMERN SAYS IF IT LOOKS GOOD EAT IT,
I SAY IF IT LOOKS GOOD...TAKE A PICTURE...IT LAST LONGER!
I WISH I HAD TAKEN A PICTURE OF THIS GREAT ASS I SEEN,
THERE WOULD BE NO MORE LONELY NIGHTS.
DID I JUST SAY THAT OUT LOUD?

I UNDERSTAND THAT IN THEORY IT MIGHT FEEL GOOD
TO HAVE 10 INCHES RAMMED UP YOUR ASS. BUT IT SEEMS
TO ME WHEN THE BANGING BEGINS IT WOULD PRESENT
PROBLEMS.
HEMMROIDS,CONSTIPATION,LOCKED BOWELS AND
THE WORSE THINGS OF ALL...WHEN YOUR HEAD GOES
THROUGH THE HEADBOARD,YOU RISK A CONCUSSION,
AND THE SCREAMING MY GAWD THE SCREAMING!

WAKING UP YOUR NEIGHBORS, THAT'S JUST DOWN
RIGHT INCONSIDERATE.
DAMN! I CAN STILL HEAR THE SCREAMS TO THIS DAY.
THANK GAWD WE WERE ONLY FRIENDS, WHO WOULD
PLAY CHESS SOMETIMES, OR I'D BE WALKING FUNNY.

THE ONLY THING THAT'S BEEN UP MY ASS IS A THERMOMETER
AND AS I REMEMBER I WASN'T CRAZY ABOUT THAT.
I'VE LIVED NEXT DOOR TO THE BACKDOOR MAN,
THE SCREAMING THAT WENT ON, WAS STRAIGHT OUT
OF A HORROR MOVIE. MY GAWD! ON A RAINY NIGHT,WITH
THUNDER AND LIGHTNING, ALL THAT WAS MISSING WAS
FREDDY KRUEGER. SOMETIMES I POPPED CORN,TO CALM
MY NERVES.
THANKS FOR THE MEMORIES ED.

ED I THOUGHT YOU WERE A KILLER
FOR A MINUTE, BECAUSE I NEVER SAW
THE SAME WOMAN TWICE.OH A COUPLE OF
TIMES I RAN INTO A FEW OF YOUR CONQUEST
AND THEY WERE WALKING FUNNY LIKE THEY
HAD BEEN F##KED BY A HORSE.NOW I KNOW YOU
WERE GIVING THEM BACKDOOR LOVE,
AND THE REASON I NEVER SAW THEM AGAIN IN MOST
CASES IS THAT,
THEY ENDED UP IN THE HOSPITAL THE NEXT DAY.

YOU WERE PACKIN', I COULD TELL YOU WERE HUNG
LIKE A TELEPHONE POLE...OUCH!
HOLY MOTHER OF MOSES! WHY AM I THINKING ABOUT
ANAL SEX ON THIS LOVELY SUNDAY AFTERNOON?

AND I HAVE THE NERVE TO THINK I'M NORMAL...

2008-10-14T21:00:00.000-07:00

IT'S JUST EMOTION...
PEOPLE ARE ALWAYS QUESTIONING MY
TASTE IN MUSIC. SO I THOUGHT I WOULD
SPILL IT.
1. WHAT SONGS MAKE YOU HAPPY?
COME AND GET YOUR LOVE-REDBONE
TIME TO GET DOWN-O'JAYS
I'VE GOT LOVE FOR MY BABY-YOUNGHEARTS
IF YOU CAN WANT-SMOKEY AND THE MIRACLES
LET'S GET IT ON-MARVIN GAYE
DANCING IN THE MOONLIGHT-KING HARVEST

2.WHAT SONGS MAKE YOU SAD?
BLUE BAYOU-LINDA RONSTADT
THE BEGINNING OF THE END-UNIFICS
SINCE I LOST MY BABY-THE TEMPTATIONS

3.WHAT SONGS WOULD CAUSE YOU TO SHOOT THE RADIO?
DISCO DUCK-RICK DEES
COPACABANA-BARRY MANILOW
MACARENA-LOS DEL RIO...AND
ANYTHING BY CELINE DION OR MICHAEL BOLTON

4.WHAT SONGS DID YOUR PARENTS LIKE
THAT YOU PLAYED?
NONE OF THEM, WELL THERE WERE 3 EXCEPTIONS
MOM LIKED 1999-PRINCE AND ROCKET MAN-ELTON JOHN
TAKE IT TO THE LIMIT-EAGLES
MOST OF THE TIME SHE WAS YELLING TURN DOWN
THAT NOISE!

DAD LIKED THE BLUES, I NOW SEE WHY, BEING
MARRIED TO MY MOTHER...JUST KIDDING MOM!
PLEASE DON'T CUT ME OUT THE WILL, I'M SO
LOOKING FORWARD TO INHERITING YOUR CUP COLLECTION.

5.WHAT SONGS MAKES YOU WANT TO KICK ASS?
MAMA SAID KNOCK YOU OUT-L.L.COOL J
NOTHING BUT A G THANG-DR.DRE & SNOOP DOGG
FIGHT THE POWER-PUBLIC ENEMY

6.WHAT SONGS MAKE YOU WANT TO DANCE?
CRAZY IN LOVE-BEYONCE
HOT STUFF-DONNA SUMMER
NIGHT FEVER-BEE GEES
MY PEROGATIVE-BOBBY BROWN
LIKE A VIRGIN-MADONNA

7.WHAT SONGS PULLS YOUR HEART STRINGS?
BEST OF MY LOVE-EAGLES
LA LA MEANS I LOVE YOU-DELFONICS
CAN'T GET OVER LOSING YOU-DONNIE ELBERT
IF YOU LEAVE ME NOW-CHICAGO
DEAR MAMA-TUPAC SHAKUR

8.WHAT SONGS WOULD YOUR FRIENDS MAKE FUN
OF YOU IF THEY KNEW YOU LIKED THEM?
ISLANDS IN THE STREAM-DOLLY PARDON&KENNY RODGERS
SHE'S A LADY-TOM JONES
IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN-NEIL DIAMOND
LAUGHTER IN THE RAIN-NEIL SEDAKA
ICE ICE BABY-VANILLA ICE
DON'T IT MAKE MY BROWN EYES BLUE-CRYSTAL GAYLE
DANCING QUEEN-ABBA
HELLO IT'S ME-TODD RUNDGREN
MY SHARONA-THE KNACK
DON'T STOP BELIEVIN'-JOURNEY
THE LOGICAL SONG-SUPERTRAMP
DREAM POLICE-CHEAP TRICK
CUSTARD PIE-LED ZEPPELIN
LAST CHILD-AEROSMITH
FRIENDS IN LOW PLACES-GARTH BROOKS
BARBECUE STAIN-TIM McGRAW
ONCE IN A LIFETIME-TALKING HEADS
BLUE MONEY- VAN MORRISON
SWAYING TO THE MUSIC- JOHNNY RIVERS
NEVER GONNA GIVE YOU UP-RICK ASTLEY
DON'T YOU DARE JUDGE ME,DAMNIT!
I'M STILL COOL.:)

9.WHAT RAP OR HIP HOP SONGS ARE YOUR FAVORITES?
IT WAS A GOOD DAY-ICE CUBE
CHILDRENS STORY-SLICK RICK
SPEND THE NIGHT -GUY
IT TAKES TWO-ROB BASE &DJ ROCK
AIN'T NO HALF STEPPING-BIG DADDY KANE
CALIFORNIA LOVE-TUPAC SHAKUR -DR.DRE
O.P.P.-NAUGHTY BY NATURE
CREEP-TLC
SHOOP-SALT & PEPPA
MY PONY-GINUWINE
HUMPTY DANCE-DIGITAL UNDERGROUND
PUMP IT HOTTIE-REDHEAD KINGPIN
BABY GOT BACK-SIR-MIX-A-LOT
WE GOT OUR OWN THANG-HEAVY D & THE BOYZ
TREAT ME RIGHT- CHUBB ROCK
BACK & FORTH-ALIYAH
TOUCH ME,TEASE ME-CASE,FOXY BROWN,MARY J. BLIGE
MAKE YOU SWEAT-KEITH SWEAT

10.WHAT SONGS DID YOU ENJOY AT LIVE CONCERTS?
HUNGRY HEART-BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN
MOVING IN STEREO-THE CARS
JUMP-VAN HALEN
AC/DC-AIN'T NO FUN WAITING ROUND TO BE A MILLIONAIRE
ROD STEWART- HOT LEGS
PRINCE-LITTLE RED CORVETTE
U2-I STILL HAVEN'T FOUND WHAT I'M LOOKING FOR

11. WHAT SONGS DO YOU CRINGE AT WHEN YOU HEAR THEM,
BECAUSE THEY HAVE BAD MEMORIES?
PLEASE RETURN YOUR LOVE TO ME-TEMPTATIONS
MY FIRST LOVE,MY FIRST BREAK UP.

BUST A MOVE-YOUNG M.C.
I WAS PULLED OVER BY THE COPS IN SOUTH
CENTRAL WHILE IT WAS ON THE RADIO.I HEARD
IT THE OTHER DAY AND ALMOST PEED ON MYSELF.
THEY BUSTED A MOVE ON MY ASS!:(

SPECIAL NOTE:
I PLAYED THE NYQUIL DEFENSE CARD,
AND SQUASHED THAT NOISE. I EXPLAINED
I HAD A COLD AND HOW ALCOHOL DOESN'T
TASTE GOOD WHEN YOU'RE SICK. I HAD JUST
HAD 2 OF THOSE SMALL CUPS OF NYQUIL.

DAMN! I WAS QUICK ON MY FEET TO HAVE
JUST CONSUMED ENOUGH LIQUOR THAT
WOULD HAVE YOU CALLING THE WHITE HOUSE
AND THREATENING THE PRESIDENTS LIFE.

NOW I CAN TELL THE TRUTH IT WAS VODKA
AND I FORGET WHAT ELSE.
5 DRUNK BITCHES IN THE CAR AND I DECIDE
TO DRIVE.
FIRESTONE STATION ON 79TH AND AVALON
YOU SCARED THE HELL OUT OF ME, AND I
KNOW I APPEARED TO BE CRYING LIKE A BABY, BUT
I PLAYED YOU, AND YOU THOUGHT THOSE
WERE REAL TEARS HA!

JUST THINKING... MAYBE YOU GUYS WON TOO,
I CANNOT LISTEN TO" BUST A MOVE" WITHOUT
THINKING OF THAT FATEFUL NIGHT.
DAMN IT! THAT WAS MY JAM:(

YOUR BEST FRIEND HARRY HAS A BROTHER LARRY
IN FIVE DAYS FROM NOW HE' GOING TO MARRY
HE'S HOPIN' YOU CAN MAKE IT THERE IF YOU CAN
'CAUSE IN THE CEREMONY YOU'LL BE THE BEST MAN
YOU SAY "NEATO" ...CHECK YOUR LIBIDO
AND ROLL TO THE CHURCH IN YOUR NEW TUXEDO.

SCREW SHAKESPEARE...YOUNG M.C. RUNS RINGS
AROUND HIM.

2008-10-09T17:40:00.000-07:00

JUST STROLLING DOWN MEMORY LANE:

IN MY EARLY 20's MY ACCOUNTANT ASK ME
IF I THOUGHT A MAN WHO LIKES TO SCREW
WOMEN IN THE ASS, WAS GAY.HE MUST HAVE BEEN
IN HIS 40's BECAUSE HE HAD GREY HAIR IN HIS
BEARD.

I DON'T REMEMBER MY RESPONSE BUT NOW
LOOKING BACK,AND HAVING SEEN
"BROKE BACK MOUNTAIN" I WOULD SAY
HELL YEA! COME ON TED YOU KNEW THE
TRUTH ALL THE TIME...THAT IS SO GAY.
NOT THAT THERE'S ANYTHING WRONG WITH THAT!

2008-10-07T19:30:00.000-07:00

McCAIN YOU'RE SCREWED!

McCAIN PUT YOUR HEAD BETWEEN YOUR
LEGS AND KISS YOUR ASS GOOD BYE!
WHAT'S WITH THAT SWOLLEN JAW,
DID YOU HAVE YOUR MOUTH ON SOMETHING
THAT YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE?...

TODAY I TOOK MONEY OUT OF MY
SAVINGS ACCOUNT, ALL $16.00.
THAT'S MY NEST EGG,AND I WILL NOT
PUT IT AT RISK. BESIDES I CAN SHOP MY ASS OFF
AT THE 99 CENT STORE WITH THAT,AND
MY JAR OF QUARTERS ,CREDIT AT THE
LIQUOR STORE...LIFE IS GOOD...I GOT IT MADE.
I WILL SURVIVE...HEY,HEY!:)

2008-10-05T16:15:00.000-07:00

MY OWN PERSONAL BAILOUT?

My name is David Ibrahim, a merchant in Oman. I have recently been
diagnosed with Esophageal cancer, which has defiled all medical
treatment. Expert diagnosis has shown that I have few months to live.

The intention of this email is to employ the expertise of a business
entrepreneur, who can identify a viable investment and guarantee
reasonable returns on my wealth. This is to secure a future for my 4
years old son who lost his mother during birth. I cannot rely on his
closest relatives any more, as they did not show responsible behaviour
two years ago when I entrusted half of my wealth to them to invest on
his behalf. They thought I wouldn’t survive the operation and then
used the money for their personal needs.

To prevent any more mishaps, my attorney will act as a check,
monitoring every aspect of the investment. Funds should be split in
half and distributed to charity organisation and the other half, as
investment for my son.

If this interests you, please reach me on the email address:
david.ibrahim@mcom.com to discuss terms and compensation.

Kind regard
David Ibrahim

I HOPE THIS IS THE REAL DEAL HOLYFIELD,
AND NOT A SCAM.
YOU WOULDN'T SCREW A DECENT UPSTANDING
ANGEL LIKE ME WOULD YOU DAVID? F##k WITH
ME AND YOU'RE GONNA WISH YOU WERE DEAD.
I'LL COVER YOUR BALLS WITH HONEY, AND LET FIRE
ANTS LOOSE. I'LL TIE YOU UP AND PULL YOUR TOE
NAILS OFF WITH PLIERS. I'LL SEND YOU A NUDE
PICTURE OF WHOOPIE GOLDBERG...KAPISH!

DON'T F##k WITH ME,OR YOU WILL FIND OUT
WHAT IT SOUNDS LIKE "WHEN DOVES CRY"

ALL MY INFORMATION IS ON THE WAY, MY SOCIAL
SECURITY NUMBER, BANK ACCOUNT NUMBERS,
MY MOTHERS MAIDEN NAME AND OTHER PERTINENT
INFORMATION YOU'LL NEED. SORRY YOU'RE DYING
BUT WHEN IT'S YOUR TIME TO GO, IT'S YOUR TIME TO GO.

SHOUT OUT:
HENRY, HENRY PAULSON...YOU HAVE 700 BILLION
IN YOUR HOT LITTLE HANDS, JUST IN CASE THIS
DOESN'T WORK OUT,IN THE WORDS OF THE BOSS
CAN YOU"COVER ME"? IT WOULD BE CATASTROPHIC
IF I LOST MY JAR OF QUARTERS.:(

2008-10-01T12:45:00.000-07:00

THE ECONOMY:
I'M NOT TRYING TO SCARE ANYONE,BUT
TAKE YOUR MONEY OUT THE BANK AND
PUT IT UNDER YOUR MATTRESS...NO PUT IT IN THE
FREEZER...NO PUT IT IN A SOFA PILLOW... NO BURY IT
IN THE BACKYARD.

I SLEEP WELL AT NIGHT KNOWING MY JAR OF
QUARTERS ARE SAFE, I'LL SURVIVE FOR AT LEAST
A WEEK. ONE DAY AT A TIME BABY!:)

I CARE ABOUT PEOPLE, SO MUCH I'M GOING TO GIVE YOU
MY RECEIPE FOR SOUP TO GET YOU THROUGH THESE
HARD TIMES.

DEPRESSION SOUP:
3 PACKS OF KETCHUP,(5 is better if you can afford it)
1 package of mustard,( gives it that zing)
2 cups of water
Salt & Pepper
Hot Sauce optional
Serves 2
unless you're around a greedy bastard!

ANOTHER TIP:
IF YOU RUN OUT OF TOILET PAPER,GRAB THE
PHONE BOOK. IT'S BIO DEGRADABLE AND THE
PAGES CAN BE FLUSHED.
IT'S NOT CHARMIN...BUT IT'LL DO IN A PINCH.

SIDE EFFECTS:
IF YOU'RE ALLERGIC TO INK, DON'T RISK IT,
YOU'LL BE SCRATCHING DOWN THERE
UNTIL"THE TWELFTH OF NEVER"
AND THAT'S A LONG LONG TIME.

THIS HAS BEEN A PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT.

2008-09-26T19:18:00.000-07:00

OBAMA WON!
JUMPING UP AND DOWN...OUCH!

QUOTING THE LATE JAMES BROWN
McCAIN YOU'RE LIKE A DULL KNIFE
YOU JUST AIN'T CUTTIN' YOU'RE
"TALKING LOUD AND SAYING NOTHING"
YOU OLD FART!
MOST PEOPLE CAN TAKE A REGULAR FART,
BUT BECAUSE OF ALL THE MEDS YOU TAKE,
AND THE BEER YOU DRINK, WHEN YOU LET GO
IT CAN BE COMPARED TO HIROSHIMA ONLY IN
A BETTER SETTING. I'M SURPRISED THAT HE
DIDN'T PASS OUT,USING FLATULATION AS A WEAPON,
YOU'RE A WEASEL!

THE ONLY TIME YOU SMILED WAS WHEN
YOU FARTED, TRYING TO GAS A BROTHER,
THAT'S HITTING BELOW THE BELT...

2008-09-22T16:15:00.000-07:00

OBAMA YOU'RE PULLING MY LEG RIGHT,
YOU WANT ME TO BE A FIELD N##*ER?
ALL THE MONEY THAT I'VE CONTRIBUTED,
I WAS THINKING ALONG THE LINES OF AN
AMBASSADORSHIP AT THE VERY LEAST.
A SMALL ISLAND OF HEATHENS,ANTARCTICA
SOMETHING!
I GUESS 50 BUCKS DOESN'T GO A LONG WAY
ANYMORE.

Dear Michele, I want to tell you about an exciting program we're launching in California. It's called Camp Obama.During this two-day session, people like you will be taking their support for this movement to the next level by learning the organizing principles that this campaign and our movement for change are built on.Camp Obama attendees will receive real world organizing experience that will have a direct impact on this election. Graduates of Camp Obama will go on to become Deputy Field Organizers who will lead this campaign to victory in crucial battleground states around the country.Find out more about this exciting opportunity to take a leadership role in this movement for change.By participating in Camp Obama, you'll get the kind of experience that Barack got as a community organizer on the South Side of Chicago, where he learned that real change happens from the bottom up.That experience transformed Barack's life and made him who he is today.Camp Obama is your chance to put those very same principles into action - to win this election and to strengthen democracy in communities around the country.After completing the program, you'll be required to work as a Deputy Field Organizer in a battleground state where you'll be organizing supporters and helping lead our grassroots Get Out The Vote operation.Apply for a spot at a Camp Obama near you and become a leader in our movement for change:http://my.barackobama.com/page/m/691a078f420710f7/778tLF/VEsF/This campaign relies on the passion and enthusiasm of ordinary supporters, but it needs leaders who can organize those supporters and turn their enthusiasm into votes on Election Day.Camp Obama is your chance to step up and become a leader in this movement.Thanks,JonJon CarsonNational Field DirectorObama for America

Visit: CA.BarackObama.com Email: California@BarackObama.com
Paid for by Obama for America
This email was sent to: mdzpp@aol.com
To unsubscribe, go to: http://my.barackobama.com/page/m/691a078f420710f7/Ll8kyM/VEsA/

LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT, YOU WANT TO PUT
ME IN THE FIELD?
DAMN! YOU COULD AT LEAST MAKE ME A HOUSE N##*ER,
NOT THAT I WOULD ACCEPT THAT POSITION.
RETHINKING IT DEPENDS ON THE PAY,
I NEED MONEY HONEY!
PLUS I GET TO BE AROUND MICHELLE,
I LIKE HER, I LIKE HER A LOT!

I'LL TAKE CARE OF HER WHILE YOU'RE
OUT OF TOWN.:)

2008-09-14T14:30:00.000-07:00

ME AN ADVICE COLUMNIST?
I DON'T KNOW WHY BUT PEOPLE ARE
ALWAYS ASKING MY ADVICE,IT MUST
BE THE GEEK GLASSES I WEAR.

Q.MICHELE, I JUST FOUND OUT MY HUSBAND
IS SLEEPING WITH MY SISTER..WHAT SHOULD I DO?
A. KILL THEM BOTH

Q. MICHELE, MY MOTHER FAVORS MY YOUNGER
SISTER OVER ME,AND IT MAKES ME FEEL BAD,
WHAT SHOULD I DO?
A. KILL'EM

Q.MICHELE, MY BOSS IS BLACKMAILING ME INTO
HAVING SEX WITH HIM. I LOVE MY JOB, BUT THE
THOUGHT OF HIM BEING NAKED MAKES ME WANT
TO PUKE.WHAT SHOULD I DO?
A. KILL HIM.

Q.MICHELE, MY NEIGHBORS DOG KEEPS DIGGING
UP MY FLOWERS, WHAT SHOULD I DO?
A.KILL THAT FLEA BAG.

WARNING: MY ADVICE IS RATHER EXTREME,AND
IS NOT FOR THE FAINT OF HEART.
IT MAY EVEN LAND YOU IN PRISON,BUT THERE'S
A BRIGHT SIDE.
FREE FOOD,FREE LOUNGING,AND TIME TO REFLECT
ON HOW YOU'RE GOING TO KILL ME WHEN YOU GET OUT.
HEY! I LED YOU TO THE WATER, YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO
DRINK IT.
WHY DO PEOPLE ALWAYS BLAME THE MESSENGER?

GUYS, WHILE YOU'RE IN THE PEN DON'T BEND OVER
AND PICK UP THE SOAP, OR SURELY YOU WILL BE PAID
A VISIT BY MR. JOHNSON...HE LOVES COMING THROUGH
THE BACK DOOR.

GIRLS,IF A GIRL ASKS YOU IF YOU LIKE YOUR CARPET
CLEANED,IT MEANS SHE INTO YOU. JUST DON'T HAVE AN STD
OR YOU WILL BE SHUNNED ,AND SO WILL YOUR RUG DOCTOR
GIRLFRIEND,WITH HER BLIMP SIZED LIPS.
THIS ADVICE STUFF IS A PIECE OF CAKE, I MISSED
MY TRUE CALLING...I COULD HAVE BEEN A DEAR ABBY!

THIS HAS BEEN A PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCMENT.

2008-09-10T14:45:00.000-07:00

OH NO! THE INSTRUMENTS ARE REBELLING.
I HEAR THEM TALKING AMONG THEMSELVES
AT NIGHT.

GUITAR-YOU'RE A LAZY LITTLE F%#K, YOU HAVEN'T
STROKED ME YET. YOU KNOW I NEED TO BE STROKED,
WHY CAN'T YOU STRUM ME? I'M NOT A LES PAUL
BUT I DESERVE RESPECT DAMNIT! DON'T YOU
REMEMBER PLAYING "ROCKET MAN" BY ELTON JOHN?

CLARINET- I AGREE GUITAR, I HAVEN'T HAD A
BLOW JOB IN MONTHS,WHERE'S THE LOVE?

DRUMS- WELL I LIKE IT ROUGH, I LIKE TO BE BEATEN,
S&M. SHE USE TO BEAT ME LIKE A RUN AWAY SLAVE,
IT HURT SO GOOD...NOW I JUST GET GLARES!

PIANO- I USE TO LOVE THE WAY SHE TICKLED
MY IVORYS. SHE USE TO RUN HER HANDS UP AND
DOWN MY KEYBOARD, I COULDN'T GET ENOUGH.
WITH HER EVERY TOUCH I THOUGHT I'D DIED
AND WENT TO HEAVEN.

IT'S OBVIOUS BY NOW, I HAVE A BUNCH OF
HORNY INSTRUMENTS ON MY HANDS.
CALM DOWN ALL OF YOU, OR YOU WILL END
UP IN THE PAWN SHOP OR A YARD SALE.
I MEAN IT, I WILL NOT BE DISRESPECTED
IN MY HOME.
GET IT, GOT IT,GOOD!
TAMBORINE... DO YOU HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY?
I THOUGHT NOT, NOW GO AND GATHER DUST
AND LEAVE ME ALONE!

2008-09-07T08:15:00.000-07:00

TALENT WHY HAST THOU FORSAKEN ME?

MY FIRST PIANO LESSON TOOK PLACE AT
THE AGE OF SIX. A BLIND WOMAN WHO WAS
MEANER THAN A JUNKYARD DOG.
I LEARNED NOTHING.

LATER IN JR. HIGH I LEARNED THE BEGINNING
OF "I WANT YOU BACK" JACKSON FIVE, ON THE
PIANO , BUT I COULDN'T PLAY THE REST.

IN MY LATE TEENS I WROTE SOME LYRICS, AND
WAS SIGNED TO A CONTRACT.
IT WAS ON BILLBOARDS R&B CHARTS OUT OF
THE HOT 100 IT WENT ALL THE WAY TO #98.
I HEARD IT WAS HOT IN TEXAS,HEY I WROTE
THE B SIDE, THE A SIDE IS SUPPOSE TO BE THE
HIT.
THANKS SKY YOU NO TALENT BASTARD!

MY PRODUCER TOLD ME I SHOULD START
THINKING ABOUT WRITING MUSIC,
AND SO THE QUEST BEGAN.

FIRST I STARTED WITH GUITAR, TOOK LESSONS
FROM A GUY WHO HAD WRITTEN A BOOK.
I JUST COULDN'T GET IT.
I'M NO JIMI HENDRIX.

YEARS HAVE PASSED,AND I CONTINUE TO
HAVE HIGH HOPES,OF PLAYING A MUSICAL
INSTRUMENT.

IN THE LAST FEW YEARS, I'VE BOUGHT A
CLARINET, WHICH IS GATHERING DUST,
DAMN I CAN'T EVEN KEEP IT SHINY ANYMORE.
I'M NO BENNY GOODMAN.

PIANO KEYBOARD, I'VE FORGOT HOW TO PLAY
THE BEGINNING OF "I WANT YOU BACK"
I CAN'T EVEN PLAY "CHOP STICKS":(
I'M NO MOZART.

DRUMS, WAS NEXT, I LOOKED AT IT AS A WAY TO
RELIEVE STRESS BY BEATING THE HELL OUT
OF SOMETHING. THAT LASTED A WEEK,PLUS
I STILL HAD STRESS.
I'M NO SHEILA E.

GUITAR, JUST BOUGHT ONE AGAIN TODAY,
WHY DO I TORTURE MYSELF LIKE THIS?
GOT DAMNIT, WHO AM I FOOLING? DON'T
LET ME GET STARTED ON THAT DAMN TAMBORINE!

I HAVE ENOUGH INSTRUMENTS AROUND HERE
TO HAVE A JAM FEST '08.
AS I STARE AT THE GUITAR IT'S BRINGING
BACK MEMORIES, PLAYING IT USE TO HURT
MY FINGERS...I'M A DELICATE FLOWER.

I HAVE THE STRANGEST FEELING I WOULD
BE GOOD AT PLAYING THE TUBA, BUT I'M
NOT GOING DOWN THAT STREET!

UPDATE:
JUST POPPED A STRING BY WINDING IT
TOO TIGHT. I CAN'T DANCE, OR PLAY AN
INSTRUMENT... I BETTER FOCUS ON WHAT
I CAN DO...
I CAN PLAY A MEAN AIR GUITAR,
THAT'S RIGHT, BABY GIRL HAS SKILLS!

BREAKING NEWS:
IT'S THE NEXT DAY AND I HAVEN'T PICKED
UP THE GUITAR. HEY! I HAVE GOOD REASON,
I HAVE BETTER THINGS TO DO, LIKE PICKING
LINT OUT MY NAVEL.

2008-09-03T17:20:00.000-07:00

SARAH PALIN:

OH THIS IS GETTING TO BE SO MUCH FUN!
A WOMAN WHO KILLS BULLWINKLES BABIES
THINKS SHE'S QUALIFIED TO BE PRESIDENT?

SHE CAN'T CONTROL HER WHORE DAUGHTER,
HOW IN THE HELL IS SHE GOING TO RUN A COUNTRY?
McCAIN WOULD HAVE BEEN BETTER OFF PICKING
PARIS HILTON.
OBAMA SLEEPS WELL AT NIGHT WITH THIS SELECTION.

NOW IF McCAIN WAS THINKING HE SHOULD HAVE PICKED
BEYONCE...SHE'S HOT,SMART AND RICH.
I WOULD VOTE FOR BEYONCE, AND I WOULD LOOK
FORWARD TO THE FIRESIDE CHATS...
AND I DO MEAN FIRE.:)

IF BEYONCE WERE TO PLAY THAT SHARON STONE'S ROLE IN,
"BASIC INSTINCT" OPEN HER LEGS WHILE
SMOKING A CIGARETTE SHE'LL BE ABLE
TO RECRUIT PEOPLE TO GO TO HELL AND FIGHT SATAN!

2008-09-01T21:10:00.000-07:00

WHY DO WOMEN FAKE ORGASMS?

TWO OF THE MOST COMMON REASONS ARE,
TO MAKE THEIR PARTNERS FEEL BETTER AND
TO END SEX WHEN THEY'RE TIRED.
SEX WILL CONTINUE UNTIL THEIR FEMALE
PARTNER HAS AN ORGASM OR FAKES ONE.

FELLAS & GIRLS, LET ME GIVE YOU A HEADS UP.

1. THE OBVIOUS A JUICY FRUIT.
2.EYES ARE GLAZED OVER AND ROLLING UPWARDS.
3.TOES CURLING
4.BEGS YOU NOT TO STOP
5.UNCONTROL HEAVY BREATHING
6. SLEEPS LIKE A ROCK AFTERWARDS
7. WAKES UP IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT
PROFESSING THEIR UNDYING LOVE.
YEA YOU DOING IT, AND DOING IT AND DOING IT WELL..

IF YOU HAVE NEVER EXPERIENCED ANY
ONE OF THESE...YOU'RE A BUM LAY,
KEEP MASTERBATING THAT'S ALL YOU GOT,
YOU CAN'T PLEASE ANYONE BUT YOU
AND YOU CALL YOURSELF A PEOPLE PERSON...

THIS HAS BEEN A PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT:

2008-08-31T21:35:00.000-07:00

ARE YOU SERIOUS, YOU'RE KIDDING RIGHT?

McCAIN YOU HAVE BECOME McTWIT,
PALIN IS NO HILLARY CLINTON.

YOUR SELECTION SMELLS OF DESPERATION,
EARLY ALZHEIMERS, AND JUST PLAIN
STUPIDITY.

PALIN IS THE GOVERNOR OF ALASKA?
A MONKEY CAN RUN THAT STATE OF PRIMITIVE
ESKIMOS. GOT DAMN! LET'EM ,EAT BLUBBER!
YOU GOT A WILDCAT ON YOUR
HANDS...A WOMAN WHO SHOOTS MOOSE...BULLWINKLE?
I GREW UP WITH BULLWINKLE AND I THINK IT'S
A DAMN SHAME.

IF YOU WERE TO DROP DEAD SHE COULDN'T
HANDLE THIS COUNTRY, IF SHE GOT DOWN ON HER
KNEES AND PRAYED TO JESUS.

IF YOU DID THIS TO SWAY HILLARY VOTERS YOU
HAVE F%*KED UP BIG TIME. EVEN BLONDES AREN'T
THIS STUPID, SHE IS NO HILLARY CLINTON.
RUNNING AROUND KILLING BULLWINKLES BABIES?

WHAT WERE YOU THINKING? THE FACT IS YOU
WEREN'T.
ALL I CAN SAY IS THANK YOU FOR OBAMA, HE HAS TOO MUCH
CLASS TO CALL YOU A DUMBASS,BUT I DON'T, DUMBASS!
HEY! I HAVE MY PINKIE OUT AS I TYPE THIS, DOES THAT
COUNT AS CLASS?

2008-08-26T15:15:00.000-07:00

THE NATIONAL LIBRARY OF POETRY:
JULY 10,1995 (WONDERFUL VERSE!
ELECT FOR "THE SOUND OF POETRY"

YEP! ON TOP OF MY OTHER MUDANE
ACCOMPLISHMENTS, I'M LISTED IN A BOOK
SOMEWHERE. I CAN'T REMEMBER WHAT I WAS
DOING BACK THEN TO WRITE WHAT I WROTE.

I JUST FOUND THIS IN A STASHED BUNCH OF
PAPERS, I HAD FORGOTTEN ABOUT IT.

LET ME SHARE WITH YOU,MY MOMENT
OF BRILLIANCE.

THE RESTLESS HEART
AWAITS BY THE DOOR
SILENT STRANGERS
WHISPERS ROAR

LOUD AS THUNDER
ECHOS PLAY ON
INSIDE THE SILENCE
FOREVER GONE

EYES CAST STARES
SHARP AS SWORDS
STAND AS ONE
EDUCE IN WAR

THE AVALANCHE OF VOICES
ROLL AIMLESSLY
OUT THROUGH THE IN DOOR
EMBRACED BY ETERNITY.
WHAT THE F%#k AM I TALKING ABOUT?
I HAVE NO CLUE,WELL IT'S BEEN PUBLISHED
IN A BOOK, SO IT MUST MEAN SOMETHING.

ALL I CAN THINK OF IS, SOMEBODY WAS
DRIVING ME OUT OF MY MIND,OR IT COULD
HAVE BEEN THE RED BULL I WAS FOND OF DRINKING.
IF I COULD TURN BACK THE HANDS OF TIME,
TO CREATE ANOTHER MASTERPIECE,I WOULD
THE WORLD NEEDS MY NONSENSE.

2008-08-25T20:12:00.000-07:00

OH MY GAWD!

WE'RE GOING TO HAVE A MICHELE IN THE
WHITE HOUSE...BE AFRAID BE VERY AFRAID.

WOOT WOOT! MICHELLE THAT WAS A DYNAMIC
SPEECH, I ALMOST PEED ON MYSELF.
ON TOP OF EVERYTHING ELSE YOU LOOK SO HOT!

DOING CARTWHEELS...OUCH! JUST KNOCKED
OVER THE CABLE BOX.
DID I MENTION YOU ARE HOT?
YA'LL OWE ME A CABLE BOX,YOU CAN AFFORD IT.:)

DON'T LET ME HAVE TO TAKE THE PRESIDENT
ON JUDGE JUDY...I SWEAR I WILL!

2008-08-24T15:30:00.000-07:00

A LESSON ON WIPING YOUR ASS:
I WAS WATCHING OPRAH AND DR. OZ
WAS ON, FOR SOME REASON OPRAH IS
FASCINATED WITH POOP. ANYWAY HE
SAID THAT SOME WOMEN DON'T KNOW
HOW TO WIPE PROPERLY...WTF?

HE SAID A WOMAN SHOULD ALWAYS WIPE
FRONT TO BACK, NOT BACK TO FRONT...WTF?

YOU MEAN THERE ARE WOMEN WHO DON'T
KNOW HOW TO WIPE PROPERLY...WTF?

THIS SHOULD BE A QUESTION ASKED BEFORE
YOU GET INVOLVED,WITH A HOTTIE.
IF THEY SAY BACK TO FRONT...STEP AWAY
KISS THEM GOODBYE IN AN EMAIL,
BUY A MONTHS SUPPLY OF LISTERINE
ANTIBIOTICS AND PENICILLAN WOULDN'T HURT.

I HEARD THE TASTE GOES AWAY AFTER
A MONTH ...BUT THE MEMORIES ARE THERE FOREVER.:(
GOT TO GO THROW UP NOW, JUST THINKING
ABOUT IT.

THIS HAS BEEN A PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT.

2008-08-21T19:25:00.000-07:00

OBAMA...LISTEN UP...
IT'S BEING SAID THAT YOU WILL
ANNOUNCE YOUR V.P. SATURDAY.

AS A CONTRIBUTOR TO YOUR CAMPAIGN,
I HAVE TO GIVE YOU MY OPINION...
I'VE GOT 2 WORDS FOR YOU "HILLARY CLINTON"
YOU NEED HER...WE ARE READY FOR A BITCH
IN THE WHITE HOUSE..AS A MATTER OF FACT
WE NEED A BITCH IN THE WHITE HOUSE.
BITCHES RULE!

THIS HAS BEEN A PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT...

2008-08-19T14:40:00.000-07:00

I HAVE A DREAM:
THAT ONE DAY I WILL FIND TRUE LOVE.

I'VE DONE IT ALL, BEEN IN MOVIES,WROTE
A SONG THAT CHARTED ON BILLBOARDS
R&B CHARTS,KISSED MUHAMMAD ALI AND
EVEN PEED IN A VOLCANO IN HAWAII.

I'M JUST LOOKING FOR TRUE LOVE THESE
DAYS.I WANT TO STOP AND SMELL THE ROSES
WITH SOMEONE,IT'S HARD TO SMELL A ROSE
IN A CONCRETE JUNGLE.

I'LL WORK 3 JOBS FOR MY SWEETIE.
OKAY MAYBE 2 JOBS.
WELL MAYBE 1 JOB.
ALLRIGHT ALREADY! GOT DAMMIT!
I'LL DUST AROUND THE HOUSE,
THE THINGS WE DO FOR LOVE...GEEZ!

2008-08-15T17:07:00.000-07:00

THAT MAN OF MINE:

OBAMA YOU EMAIL ME EVERY OTHER DAY,
ABOUT UPCOMING EVENTS OR TO DONATE
MORE MONEY.

LOOK I'VE ALREADY GIVEN ONE HUNDRED
FIFTY DOLLARS AND 25 CENTS.
I EXPECT A LOT OF THINGS FROM THAT
CONTRIBUTION. IF I GIVE ANYMORE , YOU'RE
GOING TO HAVE TO LET ME THROW A PARTY
IN THE OVAL OFFICE.

AT THE VERY LEAST LET ME BRING A HOTTIE
ON AIR FORCE ONE...AND JOIN THE MILE HIGH CLUB,
SOMETHINGS GOTTA GIVE! ;)

2008-08-11T20:00:00.000-07:00

A LETTER TO MYSELF:
AS A TEENAGER YOU WERE AN IDIOT,
ARE YOU READY TO COME TO TERMS
WITH THAT?

WAS IT SMART- TO PLAY WITH RUBBING
ALCOHOL ON THE STOVE, AND ALMOST
BURN DOWN THE HOUSE.WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?

WAS IT SMART-TO RIDE YOUR BIKE WITH YOUR
HANDS IN THE AIR...YOU COULD HAVE BEEN KILLED.
YOU GOT OFF EASY WITH A COUPLE OF BRUISES,
A PERMANENT SCAR,AND A BUSTED LIP.
ALWAYS TRYING TO BE COOL.

WAS IT SMART- TO THROW ROCKS AT A BEEHIVE?
THOSE BEES CHASED YOUR DUMBASS HOME,
THAT MUST HAVE BEEN A SIGHT WATCHING
3 KIDS RUNNING DOWN LA BREA BEING CHASED
BY BEES.

WAS IT SMART- FOR YOU AND 4 FRIENDS TO WALK
FROM FREMONT HIGH TO DOWNTOWN L.A.
WITHOUT ANY MONEY? WE SEPARATED AND
ME AND LINDA RAN INTO MY MOTHER GETTING
OFF FROM WORK.SHE PAYED OUR BUSFARE
HOME NOT ONLY DID WE DITCH SCHOOL,I GOT BUSTED,
AND WE WERE FACING WALKING 79 BLOCKS HOME AND
IT WAS GETTING DARK.

WAS IT SMART- WHEN YOUR MOTHER SENT YOU
DOWNTOWN FOR NEW SHOES , WHAT DID YOU DO?
YOU LET A CON ARTIST TALK YOU INTO BUYING
A LEATHER COAT. DO OR DIE YOU JUST HAD TO HAVE
A LEATHER COAT.
I BET YOU WOULD HAVE SOLD YOUR MOTHER
FOR A LEATHER COAT.
ME-PROBABLY, SHE DIDN'T DRINK OR SMOKE,
I PROBABLY COULD HAVE GOTTEN SOME OF
THAT GOOD ITALIAN LEATHER FOR HER,
POSSIBILITIES!

HE TOOK YOUR LITTLE DUMBASS TO A HOTEL , YOU
GAVE HIM YOUR MONEY, AND HE TOLD YOU TO
WAIT DOWNSTAIRS. WHILE HE DISAPPEARED
UP A SPIRAL STAIRCASE. AFTER WAITING FOR
OVER AND HOUR,YOU REALIZED YOU WERE SCREWED.
YOU WENT BACK HOME ON THE BUS, WITHOUT SHOES,
WITHOUT A LEATHER JACKET,CRYING LIKE A BABY.

IT WAS HARD FOR MOM TO TRUST ME AGAIN WITH
MONEY, BUT SHE DID AND AGAIN I LET HER DOWN
BY GETTING AN EXPENSIVE SPORTS CAR THAT,
TURNED OUT TO BE A BIG LEMON,
MOM GOTTA CHANCE TO SAY"I TOLD YOU SO"
AGAIN! TEEN YEARS, SCORE...MOM HUNDREDS
OF TIMES...ME ZERO.

GAWD I USE TO HATE WHEN THAT HAPPENED!
COULDN'T I BE RIGHT SOMETIMES?:(

I DIDN'T MAKE GOOD DESCISIONS UNTIL I HIT
MY 20's ,WHEN I DECIDED NOT TO EAT PORK,
AND TO ALWAYS BUY DOUBLE PLY TOILET
TISSUE. 1 PLY OUGHT TO BE AGAINST THE LAW!
OH THE HUMANITY!

NOTE TO SELF:
I'VE LEARNED A LOT,AND I AM SO OVER
LEATHER JACKETS...IT'S NOT MEANT TO BE.:(

I WOULDN'T DARE THROW ROCKS EVER AGAIN
AT A BEEHIVE...THAT WAS A VERY STRESSFUL
SITUATION. WHEN WE GOT HOME, A BEE WAS
IN MY HAIR... THAT LITTLE MUTHA WAS TRYING
TO KILL ME.
I'VE ALSO LEARNED NEVER TO HIT PEOPLE,
THEY MIGHT HIT YOU BACK,AND I BRUISE
EASY.

TALK ABOUT TEENAGE WASTELAND!